Life after Infidelity~

Moving Forward After Infidelity? Can you? Will you?

Whether you're the one who has strayed from your relationship or you're the partner who feels betrayed, you have to ask yourself the question that you only know..... CAN you move forward.
Were you cheated on? It is absolutely vital for YOU to decide alone if you can and when you will move forward with life and love. Being willing to trust again is key. Take things one step at a time. Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with him is pointless. It is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's NOT your fault.

One thing I do know is that time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters. Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else. If your partner wants back in, he will have to earn his way back into the relationship. Renegotiate the relationship in a way that works for both of you. There comes a point in time where you may have to draw a line and say, "That's it, I'm done. I'm not mad at you. I withdraw my feelings, I withdraw my emotions. You just go do whatever you're going to do because I'm not going to live like this anymore." Don't stay together for the children. Remember, kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. They're much better off with one well-adjusted, happy, thriving parent, than they are with two who are cheating, lying, fighting, and living with stress and pressure. You have to make the decision about whether you can resolve to be part of your marriage or not.

Own the problems that you created throughout your marriage. You cannot change what you don't acknowledge. It is unfair to put all the blame on your spouse in any situation. That is a ridiculous comparison.

In order to resolve your relationship, contact with "the other person" must be cut off 100 percent. You can't work on dealing with the consequences of the affair while he is still having it. Don't rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do. Make the hard decisions. Either leave the marriage to free yourself, or commit to stay. Remember, checking out of one relationship before you finish it appropriately doesn't work. Ask yourself: What are you doing to help yourself get past the affair?
He will need to show enough maturity to recognize that life is not always all about him and what feels good for him in the moment. If you are married and have children, he has have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good.
He should help you find emotional closure. He must do whatever it takes until you find it. If it requires him to check in with you multiple times a day, then he should do it. It'll require him being where he is supposed to be, when he said he will be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, so you can trust your spouse again.

And you he should do it!

Want to know if something is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing there, it's cheating. If your marriage is over and you have children, understand that your relationship with your ex will never end. You will always at least be co-parents of your children. Build a new relationship as their allies. Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Figure out what you want and behave your way to success~!

Communication is the core to a healthy marriage

Good "Communication" involves listening, assertiveness, and responsibility.

Communication is about getting our needs met through and with others. A primary problem in our society is people don't understand each other, here are a few prime examples:

• We do not communicate our personal needs and dislikes in an assertive way.
• We do not understand what someone else is trying to convey to us.

When you sit down and actually think about communication in your marriage, it takes more work to NOT communicate than it does TO communicate. Communication is just expressing our needs, our dislikes being empathetic and a good listener.

As women we need to get our feelings out, we tell our friends, our sisters, our mothers, whomever we have a relationship with that has been built with communication. The first person we should be communicating with oddly enough is the last person every time?

Understanding others is easy:

• Good listening. The importance of "just" listening
• Empathize your responses. restating what was said without solutions, embellishment, or talk about ourselves. The focus stays on the "other" person.

Communication becomes an unconscious, automatic pattern that is difficult to change and involves practice and not just learning but un-learning the old familiar ways.

Communication is the healthy way of getting our needs met and stating our dislikes. When effective communication is not used or learned, people learn unhealthy tactics to cope and meet their needs.

I am guilty and I am sure many of you can relate:

• non-verbal
• passive-aggression
• isolation
• acting out
• verbal aggression
• passive anger
• numbing - "I don't care"
• depression

When you are aware of everything that you are feeling, all the time, you are in continual communication with yourself. Learning how to listen to that communication, and act on it, is your purpose. Becoming aware of what you are feeling

The choice that confronts you is whether to ease the pain you feel by escaping from it into thoughts or activities, or to keep your attention inward in order to learn where your discomfort is coming from, and heal the source of it. A way to avoid painful emotions is to escape into an activity. It is easier to focus your thoughts elsewhere than to experience the intense physical pain of a hurtful emotion.

The first step in uncovering the origin of a compulsion is the hardest. To uncover the origin of a compulsion, you must stop doing what is compulsive, therefore you must "acknowledge" and experience what you feel when you do. If you flee back into an activity or your thoughts, be gentle with yourself. If the intensity of a painful emotion is more than you can endure without striking out at another person to to experience it for one minute without distracting yourself.

The time the pain of rage, superior, jealousy, or vengefulness comes, try experience it without distraction for two minutes. Do that consciously. Being aware of your emotions is the first step. If you are not aware of what you are feeling in your body and what you are thinking, you are not aware of the present moment. When you are not aware of your emotions, your attention is focused on the circumstances around you.

Emotional awareness is the healing remedy for a fixation on external circumstances. When you are fixated on events of your life, your attention is absorbed. When you are aware of your emotions and what is occurring around you, you step into the present "real" moment.

Marriage Tips: My personal experiences

I am going to share with you my personal struggles. My life was literally turned upside down on June 8th 2006. My marriage was falling apart, my life was falling apart and after months of completely torching myself, I finally decided to stand up and do something! I had to make changes for myself, not just to save my marriage but for myself to be the best person that I could be. Here is the story of the start of my therapy~

Realizing my negative

This list I made and read outloud to myself everyday for 3 months.

* I overcompensate
* I protect at all costs
* I second guess my own actions and often override common sense
* I have difficulties making decisions
* I struggle for control
* I live in a constant state of denial
* I make unreasonable compromises that seriously impact on my my life, my happiness and even the happiness of my husband and kids
* I maintain an unrealistic view that if "I" do the right things, my husband will change his behavior and love me more
* I am vulnerable to manipulation, which interferes to my healing and change
* I place little value on my own needs and instead assume responsibility for those relationships in my life
* I tend to communicate on a superficial level finding it difficult to discuss my true feelings
* I am unwilling to accept responsibility for my own behavior and recovery leading to me making excuses
* I project my own inadequacies on others and blame others for my problems
* I am unable to keep promises or commitments
* I am afraid to express myself when I am hurt or angry
* I will not expres my opinions if it means making my husband upset
* I take my frustrations out on my kids for not having control of my life
* I put my personal life before my kids
* I deny and pretend that I have control over my emotions about my kids
* I cannot be honest when I am in a situation that I fell is detrimental to me
* I try to force my husband to have a relationship with my kids/ his stepkids
* I am afraid of failure and showing failure
* I am afraid to show my true feelings in fear of getting hurt
* I am not goal oriented
* I am a pesimist
As you can see it is extremely hard to admit ones OWN faults. Taking ownership is the best way to see reality and grow from there.





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Marriage Tips

Martial bliss? What exactly is that?? Marriage is the hardest job a woman has in her life. Women have taken on the role as the caretaker, the pleaser, the foundation. I am guilty! I make my husband happy! Even if I am not happy, I make sure my husband is happy and then in some weird way I become happy. At some point we must really disect ourselves and figure out what makes us happy and seek it. Life is too short to be miserable. I want to be in love and feel loved every minute of the day. I do believe marriage is work, but when has our labor become too hard?

I would like to hear some suggestions on how you make your marriage work? What sacrifices you make, or just to vent your frustrations. We can help each other.

Please check out some of the links I have attached, the offer great support with amazing information. Check out my favorite, it was a blessing to me when I was going through a very tough spell.







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