Life after Infidelity~

Moving Forward After Infidelity? Can you? Will you?

Whether you're the one who has strayed from your relationship or you're the partner who feels betrayed, you have to ask yourself the question that you only know..... CAN you move forward.
Were you cheated on? It is absolutely vital for YOU to decide alone if you can and when you will move forward with life and love. Being willing to trust again is key. Take things one step at a time. Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with him is pointless. It is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's NOT your fault.

One thing I do know is that time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters. Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else. If your partner wants back in, he will have to earn his way back into the relationship. Renegotiate the relationship in a way that works for both of you. There comes a point in time where you may have to draw a line and say, "That's it, I'm done. I'm not mad at you. I withdraw my feelings, I withdraw my emotions. You just go do whatever you're going to do because I'm not going to live like this anymore." Don't stay together for the children. Remember, kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. They're much better off with one well-adjusted, happy, thriving parent, than they are with two who are cheating, lying, fighting, and living with stress and pressure. You have to make the decision about whether you can resolve to be part of your marriage or not.

Own the problems that you created throughout your marriage. You cannot change what you don't acknowledge. It is unfair to put all the blame on your spouse in any situation. That is a ridiculous comparison.

In order to resolve your relationship, contact with "the other person" must be cut off 100 percent. You can't work on dealing with the consequences of the affair while he is still having it. Don't rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do. Make the hard decisions. Either leave the marriage to free yourself, or commit to stay. Remember, checking out of one relationship before you finish it appropriately doesn't work. Ask yourself: What are you doing to help yourself get past the affair?
He will need to show enough maturity to recognize that life is not always all about him and what feels good for him in the moment. If you are married and have children, he has have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good.
He should help you find emotional closure. He must do whatever it takes until you find it. If it requires him to check in with you multiple times a day, then he should do it. It'll require him being where he is supposed to be, when he said he will be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, so you can trust your spouse again.

And you he should do it!

Want to know if something is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing there, it's cheating. If your marriage is over and you have children, understand that your relationship with your ex will never end. You will always at least be co-parents of your children. Build a new relationship as their allies. Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Figure out what you want and behave your way to success~!

Marriage and Communication~

Communicating with Your Spouse;

If you respond to stress or conflict with an ingrained pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your spouse.

Give or receive input;

Be open to receiving input from your spouse. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your spouse asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both of you know they are going to be told the truth.

Reflect on words and feelings;

After receiving input from your spouse, verify that what you are hearing is what your spouse is actually saying. You've got to say, "What I hear from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what she is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc. "Accept feedback and respond. If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your spouse isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your spouse is really saying, you can accept the feedback.

• Stay in the moment.
• Stay with the issues at hand.
• Do not discuss past history at any timeduring this process.
• Do not leave.
• Do not leave the discussion until it is completed.

To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit before hand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.

Stop Excusing Inexcusable Behavior;

You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception. If lies,infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors are threatening your marriage or partnership, remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your spouse is doing what he/she is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by making excuses for your spouse and blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. First, acknowledge that there is something wrong. If what is happening isn't normal, admit it. You need to set some new standards of acceptable behavior and your spouse needs to know what those standards are. If you truly want the relationship to work, be real with yourself and yourspouse. Be completely honest and truthful with your spouse about your wants and needs. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book to your mate.If you are the person who has damaged the relationship, make sure that you hear your spouse. He needs to know that you have listened and understand the full gravity of your actions and how they have affected him. Acknowledge the damage your behavior has caused to your spouse's self-esteem, mental state and emotions. Understand that any time you turn away from your spouse to fill your needs instead of toward him, it's a betrayal. It's not just what you do it's what you don't do. You can violate someone by withholding affection.What is the payoff for hanging onto the guilt? Listen to the messages you tell yourself. Are they keeping you on the right path or are they keeping you from actively participating in your life? If you feel better when you are punished, punishment has become a reward. Do you pull back from hope and optimism? Do you secretly believe, "If I get too happy, something bad is going to happen to me or my family"?

You aren't protecting anyone by withholding who you are. Get back in the game and contribute rather than hide.

Marriage Tips; Communication and Emotional Awareness

Communicating with Emotional Awareness~

If you respond to stress or conflict with a pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your partner.

Give or receive input.

Be open to receiving input from your partner. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your partner asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both partners know they are going to be told the truth.


Reflect content and feelings.


After receiving input from your partner, verify that what you are hearing is what your partner is actually saying. You've got to say, "So what I heard from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what he is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc." This is an area that I am horrible at, I am constantly thinking one thing when my husband is talking and really what he is saying is something completely different. Miss- Communication~

Accept feedback and respond.

If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your partner isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your partner is really saying, you can accept the feedback.

Stay in the moment

(Ladies, this is a hard one for us! Yet it is very important!!) Stay with the issues at hand. Do not discuss past history at any time during this process.

Do not leave.

Do not leave the discussion until it is completed. To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit beforehand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.
Stop Excusing Inexcusable Behavior

You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception. If lies, infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors are threatening your marriage or partnership, Remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your partner is doing what he is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by making excuses for your partner and blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it.

You can't change what you don't acknowledge

First, acknowledge that there is something wrong. If what is happening isn't normal, admit it. You need to set some new standards of acceptable behavior and your partner needs to know what those standards are.
If you truly want the relationship to work, be real with yourself and your partner. Be completely honest and truthful with your partner about your wants and needs. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book to your mate.

If you are the person who has damaged the relationship, make sure that you hear your partner. He needs to know that you have listened and understand the full gravity of your actions and how they have affected him. Acknowledge the damage your behavior has caused to your partner's self-esteem, mental state and emotions.

Understand that any time you turn away from your partner to fill your needs instead of toward him, it's a betrayal. It's not just what you do — it's what you don't do. You can violate someone by withholding affection.
What is the payoff for hanging onto the guilt? Listen to the messages you tell yourself. Are they keeping you on the right path or are they keeping you from actively participating in your life? If you feel better when you are punished, punishment has become a reward. Do you pull back from hope and optimism? Do you secretly believe, "If I get too happy, something bad is going to happen to me or my family"? You aren't protecting anyone by withholding who you are. Get back in the game and contribute rather than hide.

Are you trustworthy? If you want a good partner, be a good partner.
Are you afraid the saying, "If they did it with you, they'll do it to you"
is true? You can't control your partner's behavior. If this relationship is going to work, you are going to have to own your own behavior.

Work out problems in your relationship within your relationship. You absolutely cannot fix a problem inside a relationship by turning outward.

Forgiveness is a choice. Don't wait for it to just wash over you all of a sudden. You have to choose it.

Don't give your power away.

The pain of what happened is inevitable, but continuing to suffer is optional. The only person you can control is you.
By constantly reliving the pain of what happened, you are giving your power away to the person who wronged you.

Don't cling to negative feelings.

Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you.
There is no right timeline for recovery. For some people, making peace happens suddenly and spontaneously. For others, it takes time and effort.

You may have to make a conscious effort every day to forgive. To say, "I'm letting this go. I'm not going to invest hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment in this person anymore."

You can find closure in forgiveness.

Marriage Tips; Women are the foundation~

Out of men and women, who can save the marriage better? Who can be the foundation that is so strong that the building does not shake despite an earthquake? Who do you think is fit for this role- women or men?

Common sense tells us that a woman can become a better foundation compared to the man. But common sense deceives us very often. Every marriage has its own problems and characteristics.

If the man is more concerned and more intelligent, he will save the marriage and if the woman is more concerned, she will save the marriage. It will depend upon the ability and desire of both the partners. No one can say that women are better suited to save the marriage. Sometimes they wreck it.

As said, the partner who is more intelligent and values the marriage more will save it through all the obstacles.

Communication is the core to a healthy marriage

Good "Communication" involves listening, assertiveness, and responsibility.

Communication is about getting our needs met through and with others. A primary problem in our society is people don't understand each other, here are a few prime examples:

• We do not communicate our personal needs and dislikes in an assertive way.
• We do not understand what someone else is trying to convey to us.

When you sit down and actually think about communication in your marriage, it takes more work to NOT communicate than it does TO communicate. Communication is just expressing our needs, our dislikes being empathetic and a good listener.

As women we need to get our feelings out, we tell our friends, our sisters, our mothers, whomever we have a relationship with that has been built with communication. The first person we should be communicating with oddly enough is the last person every time?

Understanding others is easy:

• Good listening. The importance of "just" listening
• Empathize your responses. restating what was said without solutions, embellishment, or talk about ourselves. The focus stays on the "other" person.

Communication becomes an unconscious, automatic pattern that is difficult to change and involves practice and not just learning but un-learning the old familiar ways.

Communication is the healthy way of getting our needs met and stating our dislikes. When effective communication is not used or learned, people learn unhealthy tactics to cope and meet their needs.

I am guilty and I am sure many of you can relate:

• non-verbal
• passive-aggression
• isolation
• acting out
• verbal aggression
• passive anger
• numbing - "I don't care"
• depression

When you are aware of everything that you are feeling, all the time, you are in continual communication with yourself. Learning how to listen to that communication, and act on it, is your purpose. Becoming aware of what you are feeling

The choice that confronts you is whether to ease the pain you feel by escaping from it into thoughts or activities, or to keep your attention inward in order to learn where your discomfort is coming from, and heal the source of it. A way to avoid painful emotions is to escape into an activity. It is easier to focus your thoughts elsewhere than to experience the intense physical pain of a hurtful emotion.

The first step in uncovering the origin of a compulsion is the hardest. To uncover the origin of a compulsion, you must stop doing what is compulsive, therefore you must "acknowledge" and experience what you feel when you do. If you flee back into an activity or your thoughts, be gentle with yourself. If the intensity of a painful emotion is more than you can endure without striking out at another person to to experience it for one minute without distracting yourself.

The time the pain of rage, superior, jealousy, or vengefulness comes, try experience it without distraction for two minutes. Do that consciously. Being aware of your emotions is the first step. If you are not aware of what you are feeling in your body and what you are thinking, you are not aware of the present moment. When you are not aware of your emotions, your attention is focused on the circumstances around you.

Emotional awareness is the healing remedy for a fixation on external circumstances. When you are fixated on events of your life, your attention is absorbed. When you are aware of your emotions and what is occurring around you, you step into the present "real" moment.