Marriage Tips; Infedility

When infediltiy happens in your marriage you have hope that your marriage can survive your spouse cheating on you. But you still fill sick inside when you think about the event.
Here's what I suggest you can do to get beyond the hurt, forgive your unfaithful husband, and save your marriage.

Difficulty: HardTime Required: Long Time
Here's How:
Don't make any major decisions about ending your marriage now just because your husband has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues other than this infidelity need to be recognized and dealt with.
Feelings are neither right or wrong. Accept that your feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful husband are normal.
Take care of yourself. You may have some physical reactions to the infidelity such as nausea, diarrhea, sleep problems (too little or too much), shakiness, difficulting concentrating and not wanting to eat or binge eating.
Balance is the key to getting through this experience of coping with infidelity. Force yourself to eat healthy foods, to stay on a schedule, to sleep regular hours, to get some exercise each day, todrink plenty of water and to have some fun.
It's okay and healthy to laugh. Watch some funny movies or TV shows. Spend some time with people who make you smile. Life goes on in spite of heartache and your unfaithful husband.
Tears are healthy too. If they aren't coming naturally, put on some blues type music or watch a sad movie.
Begin another journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings about your husbands unfaithfulness.
Ask all the questions you want.Talk with your husband about the infidelity. Even if he is distant and not wanting to talk, you need to talk. However, you may have to accept that your husband may not know why the infidelity took place.
Work together Don't try to get through coping with unfaithfulness alone.
Take it one day at a time. Both you and your husband should be tested for AIDS/HIVS and STD's before you resume sexual intimacy without protection.
Your children need to know that you are going to be okay. You can't hide the fact that you are going through a trauma. Be honest with your children, but don't weigh them down with details about how your husband cheated on you. Don't make promises that you can't keep.
Try not to get into the blaming game over who or what caused the infidelity. It's just wasted energy. It won't change anything.
You may have post-traumatic stress. If you are jumpy, yell at trivial actions, feel like you are walking on egg shells, and continue to have physical reactions when you are reminded of the infidelity, see a physician as soon as you can.
It takes time to get beyond the pain of having an unfaithful husband. Don't expect the mixture of feelings, the sense of confusion and limbo, and the mistrust to go away just because you've tried to forgiveyour husband and made a commitment to save your marriage.
Get practical. Look at your finances, housing situation, transportation, etc. If you do decide to end your marriage, make sure you have thought out where you will live, if you have enough money to pay for your essentials, etc.
Tips:There is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. It could be a symptom of other problems in the marriage, itcould relate to something in your husbands past. You may never truly know why it happened.
Knowing the type of infidelity sometimes makes understanding it easier. Was it a one-night stand or an affair? Due to a mid-life or life crisis? A sexual addiction or an act of retaliation? Did the cheating occur to end the marriage?
Remember that your marriage has changed. You will need to grieve that loss.
The stages of death and dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are part of the grieving process. It doesn't mean your marriage can't be renewed and strengthened, because it can. But it will be different.
Think twice before you tell your family or your husbands family about the infidelity. Family members can often hold grudges a long time.

It is you and only you that can make the decision to stay in your marriage. If you do stay in your marriage you must work through it and move on. Do not allow it to damage your future.

Marriage and Communication~

Communicating with Your Spouse;

If you respond to stress or conflict with an ingrained pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your spouse.

Give or receive input;

Be open to receiving input from your spouse. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your spouse asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both of you know they are going to be told the truth.

Reflect on words and feelings;

After receiving input from your spouse, verify that what you are hearing is what your spouse is actually saying. You've got to say, "What I hear from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what she is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc. "Accept feedback and respond. If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your spouse isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your spouse is really saying, you can accept the feedback.

• Stay in the moment.
• Stay with the issues at hand.
• Do not discuss past history at any timeduring this process.
• Do not leave.
• Do not leave the discussion until it is completed.

To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit before hand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.

Stop Excusing Inexcusable Behavior;

You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception. If lies,infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors are threatening your marriage or partnership, remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your spouse is doing what he/she is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by making excuses for your spouse and blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. First, acknowledge that there is something wrong. If what is happening isn't normal, admit it. You need to set some new standards of acceptable behavior and your spouse needs to know what those standards are. If you truly want the relationship to work, be real with yourself and yourspouse. Be completely honest and truthful with your spouse about your wants and needs. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book to your mate.If you are the person who has damaged the relationship, make sure that you hear your spouse. He needs to know that you have listened and understand the full gravity of your actions and how they have affected him. Acknowledge the damage your behavior has caused to your spouse's self-esteem, mental state and emotions. Understand that any time you turn away from your spouse to fill your needs instead of toward him, it's a betrayal. It's not just what you do it's what you don't do. You can violate someone by withholding affection.What is the payoff for hanging onto the guilt? Listen to the messages you tell yourself. Are they keeping you on the right path or are they keeping you from actively participating in your life? If you feel better when you are punished, punishment has become a reward. Do you pull back from hope and optimism? Do you secretly believe, "If I get too happy, something bad is going to happen to me or my family"?

You aren't protecting anyone by withholding who you are. Get back in the game and contribute rather than hide.

Marriage Tips: My personal experiences

I am going to share with you my personal struggles. My life was literally turned upside down on June 8th 2006. My marriage was falling apart, my life was falling apart and after months of completely torching myself, I finally decided to stand up and do something! I had to make changes for myself, not just to save my marriage but for myself to be the best person that I could be. Here is the story of the start of my therapy~

Realizing my negative

This list I made and read outloud to myself everyday for 3 months.

* I overcompensate
* I protect at all costs
* I second guess my own actions and often override common sense
* I have difficulties making decisions
* I struggle for control
* I live in a constant state of denial
* I make unreasonable compromises that seriously impact on my my life, my happiness and even the happiness of my husband and kids
* I maintain an unrealistic view that if "I" do the right things, my husband will change his behavior and love me more
* I am vulnerable to manipulation, which interferes to my healing and change
* I place little value on my own needs and instead assume responsibility for those relationships in my life
* I tend to communicate on a superficial level finding it difficult to discuss my true feelings
* I am unwilling to accept responsibility for my own behavior and recovery leading to me making excuses
* I project my own inadequacies on others and blame others for my problems
* I am unable to keep promises or commitments
* I am afraid to express myself when I am hurt or angry
* I will not expres my opinions if it means making my husband upset
* I take my frustrations out on my kids for not having control of my life
* I put my personal life before my kids
* I deny and pretend that I have control over my emotions about my kids
* I cannot be honest when I am in a situation that I fell is detrimental to me
* I try to force my husband to have a relationship with my kids/ his stepkids
* I am afraid of failure and showing failure
* I am afraid to show my true feelings in fear of getting hurt
* I am not goal oriented
* I am a pesimist
As you can see it is extremely hard to admit ones OWN faults. Taking ownership is the best way to see reality and grow from there.





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Marriage Tips

Martial bliss? What exactly is that?? Marriage is the hardest job a woman has in her life. Women have taken on the role as the caretaker, the pleaser, the foundation. I am guilty! I make my husband happy! Even if I am not happy, I make sure my husband is happy and then in some weird way I become happy. At some point we must really disect ourselves and figure out what makes us happy and seek it. Life is too short to be miserable. I want to be in love and feel loved every minute of the day. I do believe marriage is work, but when has our labor become too hard?

I would like to hear some suggestions on how you make your marriage work? What sacrifices you make, or just to vent your frustrations. We can help each other.

Please check out some of the links I have attached, the offer great support with amazing information. Check out my favorite, it was a blessing to me when I was going through a very tough spell.







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Marriage Tips: Crossing over the 7 year hump in your marriage

Women and marriage, why is that we sacrifice everything and our husbands rarely sacrifice anything? Or at least we "feel" this way. After being married for a wonderful 10 years now I realize that we are the glue! But how much glue do we really need to go through for our husbands to start giving back? This past year I went through a very rough spell in my life and marriage. I felt very taken advantage of in my marriage, I felt I was always giving and never receiving. I made the worst mistake, of never conveying these feelings to my husband. Instead I wanted him to think our life was just peaches and cream.

I just sucked it up! I never complained, I worked my 10+ hours a day came home did his dishes from breakfast, started a load of laundry cleaning up here and there, and before you knew it I was making dinner taking a bath and off to bed to just wake up and do it all over again the next day.

I found myself letting the things that I loved to do and having my own life slipping away. I was living my life through my husband. I started getting depressed, sleeping a lot, not eating, no desire of life.

It took my life being turned upside down to realize that I have a life, I am my life, I am an intelligent driven individual! I was living in the fantasy world that I need a night in shiny armor to come and take care of me. My expections of what my marriage should be were so high that how could he possible ever reach them? Something funny about expectations, if he doesn't know what they are, how could he possible ever fullfill them? I am in the process of repairing my life for me! It takes some time, and it takes patience. And so far the hardest part for me has been giving up the control aspect of my marriage, and realizing "he can take care of himself!"



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For My personal Favorite Go Here