Moving Forward After Infidelity
Whether you're the one who has strayed from your relationship or you're thepartner who feels betrayed, you can move forward. Were you cheated on? It is absolutely vital for you to move forward with life and love. Being willing to trust again is key. Take things one step at a time. Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with him/her is pointless. It is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's not your fault.
Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters. Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else. If your partner wants back in, he/she will have to earn his/her way back into the relationship. Renegotiate the relationship in a way that works for both of you. There comes a point in time where you may have to draw a line and say, "That's it, I'm done. I'm not mad at you. I withdraw my feelings, I withdraw my emotions. You just go do whatever you're going to do because I'm not going to live like this anymore."
Don't stay together for the children. Remember, kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. They're much better off with one well-adjusted, happy, thriving parent, than they are with two who are cheating, lying, fighting, and living with stress and pressure.
Did you have an affair?
Own the problems that you created by having an affair. You cannot change what you don't acknowledge. It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and a wife that is by your side. That is a ridiculous comparison. In order to resolve your relationship, contact with "the other person" or "situations" must be cut off 100 percent.
You can't work on dealing with the consequences of the affair while you're still having it. Don't rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do. Make the hard decisions. Either leave the marriage to free your partner, or commit to stay.
Remember, checking out of one relationship before you finish it appropriately doesn't work. Ask yourself: What are you doing to help your partner get past the affair? Be mature enough to recognize that life is not always all about you and what feels good for you in the moment. If you are married and have children, you have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good. Help the partner who did not have the affair find emotional closure. You must do whatever it takes until your partner finds it. If it requires you to check in with your spouse multiple times a day, then do it. It'll require you being where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, so your spouse can trust you again. And you do it until.
Want to know if something is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing there, it's cheating.
Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Figure out what you want and behave your way to success!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Marriage Tips; Trusting yourself and the Other
Do not look at others, look at yourself. And let what is inside of you come out, whatever the risk. There is no greater risk than suppression.
Listen to yourself~
Always listen to your own feelings, there is no need to look around. And by looking at people you cannot see exactly what is happening to them because their face is not their reality. Their outside appearance is not their inner, just as your outside appearance is not your inner.
This is the whole game that society plays, not to show your inner, your center, your real face. Hide it, show it only to someone who is very intimate and will understand. But who is intimate, even spouses do not show their faces to each other. Because nobody knows; the minute someone loves you the next minute they may not. How do you decide whom to have intimacy and show your true inner self?
I believe this is only a question you can answer yourself.
Listen to yourself~
Always listen to your own feelings, there is no need to look around. And by looking at people you cannot see exactly what is happening to them because their face is not their reality. Their outside appearance is not their inner, just as your outside appearance is not your inner.
This is the whole game that society plays, not to show your inner, your center, your real face. Hide it, show it only to someone who is very intimate and will understand. But who is intimate, even spouses do not show their faces to each other. Because nobody knows; the minute someone loves you the next minute they may not. How do you decide whom to have intimacy and show your true inner self?
I believe this is only a question you can answer yourself.
Marriage Tips; Trusting yourself and the Other
Do not look at others, look at yourself. And let what is inside of you come out, whatever the risk. There is no greater risk than suppression.
Listen to yourself~
Always listen to your own feelings, there is no need to look around. And by looking at people you cannot see exactly what is happening to them because their face is not their reality. Their outside appearance is not their inner, just as your outside appearance is not your inner.
This is the whole game that society plays, not to show your inner, your center, your real face. Hide it, show it only to someone who is very intimate and will understand. But who is intimate, even spouses do not show their faces to each other. Because nobody knows; the minute someone loves you the next minute they may not. How do you decide whom to have intimacy and show your true inner self?
I believe this is only a question you can answer yourself.
Listen to yourself~
Always listen to your own feelings, there is no need to look around. And by looking at people you cannot see exactly what is happening to them because their face is not their reality. Their outside appearance is not their inner, just as your outside appearance is not your inner.
This is the whole game that society plays, not to show your inner, your center, your real face. Hide it, show it only to someone who is very intimate and will understand. But who is intimate, even spouses do not show their faces to each other. Because nobody knows; the minute someone loves you the next minute they may not. How do you decide whom to have intimacy and show your true inner self?
I believe this is only a question you can answer yourself.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Marriage Tips; Infedility
When infediltiy happens in your marriage you have hope that your marriage can survive your spouse cheating on you. But you still fill sick inside when you think about the event.
Here's what I suggest you can do to get beyond the hurt, forgive your unfaithful husband, and save your marriage.
Difficulty: HardTime Required: Long Time
Here's How:
Don't make any major decisions about ending your marriage now just because your husband has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues other than this infidelity need to be recognized and dealt with.
Feelings are neither right or wrong. Accept that your feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful husband are normal.
Take care of yourself. You may have some physical reactions to the infidelity such as nausea, diarrhea, sleep problems (too little or too much), shakiness, difficulting concentrating and not wanting to eat or binge eating.
Balance is the key to getting through this experience of coping with infidelity. Force yourself to eat healthy foods, to stay on a schedule, to sleep regular hours, to get some exercise each day, todrink plenty of water and to have some fun.
It's okay and healthy to laugh. Watch some funny movies or TV shows. Spend some time with people who make you smile. Life goes on in spite of heartache and your unfaithful husband.
Tears are healthy too. If they aren't coming naturally, put on some blues type music or watch a sad movie.
Begin another journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings about your husbands unfaithfulness.
Ask all the questions you want.Talk with your husband about the infidelity. Even if he is distant and not wanting to talk, you need to talk. However, you may have to accept that your husband may not know why the infidelity took place.
Work together Don't try to get through coping with unfaithfulness alone.
Take it one day at a time. Both you and your husband should be tested for AIDS/HIVS and STD's before you resume sexual intimacy without protection.
Your children need to know that you are going to be okay. You can't hide the fact that you are going through a trauma. Be honest with your children, but don't weigh them down with details about how your husband cheated on you. Don't make promises that you can't keep.
Try not to get into the blaming game over who or what caused the infidelity. It's just wasted energy. It won't change anything.
You may have post-traumatic stress. If you are jumpy, yell at trivial actions, feel like you are walking on egg shells, and continue to have physical reactions when you are reminded of the infidelity, see a physician as soon as you can.
It takes time to get beyond the pain of having an unfaithful husband. Don't expect the mixture of feelings, the sense of confusion and limbo, and the mistrust to go away just because you've tried to forgiveyour husband and made a commitment to save your marriage.
Get practical. Look at your finances, housing situation, transportation, etc. If you do decide to end your marriage, make sure you have thought out where you will live, if you have enough money to pay for your essentials, etc.
Tips:There is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. It could be a symptom of other problems in the marriage, itcould relate to something in your husbands past. You may never truly know why it happened.
Knowing the type of infidelity sometimes makes understanding it easier. Was it a one-night stand or an affair? Due to a mid-life or life crisis? A sexual addiction or an act of retaliation? Did the cheating occur to end the marriage?
Remember that your marriage has changed. You will need to grieve that loss.
The stages of death and dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are part of the grieving process. It doesn't mean your marriage can't be renewed and strengthened, because it can. But it will be different.
Think twice before you tell your family or your husbands family about the infidelity. Family members can often hold grudges a long time.
It is you and only you that can make the decision to stay in your marriage. If you do stay in your marriage you must work through it and move on. Do not allow it to damage your future.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Marriage and Communication~
Communicating with Your Spouse;
If you respond to stress or conflict with an ingrained pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your spouse.
Give or receive input;
Be open to receiving input from your spouse. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your spouse asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both of you know they are going to be told the truth.
Reflect on words and feelings;
After receiving input from your spouse, verify that what you are hearing is what your spouse is actually saying. You've got to say, "What I hear from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what she is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc. "Accept feedback and respond. If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your spouse isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your spouse is really saying, you can accept the feedback.
If you respond to stress or conflict with an ingrained pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your spouse.
Give or receive input;
Be open to receiving input from your spouse. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your spouse asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both of you know they are going to be told the truth.
Reflect on words and feelings;
After receiving input from your spouse, verify that what you are hearing is what your spouse is actually saying. You've got to say, "What I hear from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what she is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc. "Accept feedback and respond. If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your spouse isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your spouse is really saying, you can accept the feedback.
- Stay in the moment.
- Stay with the issues at hand.
- Do not discuss past history at any timeduring this process.
- Do not leave.
- Do not leave the discussion until it is completed.
To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit before hand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.
Stop Excusing Inexcusable Behavior;
You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception. If lies,infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors are threatening your marriage or partnership, remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your spouse is doing what he/she is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by making excuses for your spouse and blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. First, acknowledge that there is something wrong. If what is happening isn't normal, admit it. You need to set some new standards of acceptable behavior and your spouse needs to know what those standards are. If you truly want the relationship to work, be real with yourself and yourspouse. Be completely honest and truthful with your spouse about your wants and needs. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book to your mate.If you are the person who has damaged the relationship, make sure that you hear your spouse. He needs to know that you have listened and understand the full gravity of your actions and how they have affected him. Acknowledge the damage your behavior has caused to your spouse's self-esteem, mental state and emotions. Understand that any time you turn away from your spouse to fill your needs instead of toward him, it's a betrayal. It's not just what you do it's what you don't do. You can violate someone by withholding affection.What is the payoff for hanging onto the guilt? Listen to the messages you tell yourself. Are they keeping you on the right path or are they keeping you from actively participating in your life? If you feel better when you are punished, punishment has become a reward. Do you pull back from hope and optimism? Do you secretly believe, "If I get too happy, something bad is going to happen to me or my family"?
You aren't protecting anyone by withholding who you are. Get back in the game and contribute rather than hide.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Marriage Tips; Communication and Emotional Awareness
Communicating with Emotional Awareness~
If you respond to stress or conflict with a pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your partner.
Give or receive input.
Be open to receiving input from your partner. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your partner asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both partners know they are going to be told the truth.
Reflect content and feelings.
After receiving input from your partner, verify that what you are hearing is what your partner is actually saying. You've got to say, "So what I heard from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what he is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc." This is an area that I am horrible at, I am constantly thinking one thing when my husband is talking and really what he is saying is something completely different. Miss- Communication~
Accept feedback and respond.
If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your partner isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your partner is really saying, you can accept the feedback.
Stay in the moment
(Ladies, this is a hard one for us! Yet it is very important!!) Stay with the issues at hand. Do not discuss past history at any time during this process.
Do not leave.
Do not leave the discussion until it is completed. To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit beforehand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.
Stop Excusing Inexcusable Behavior
You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception. If lies, infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors are threatening your marriage or partnership, Remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your partner is doing what he is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by making excuses for your partner and blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it.
You can't change what you don't acknowledge
First, acknowledge that there is something wrong. If what is happening isn't normal, admit it. You need to set some new standards of acceptable behavior and your partner needs to know what those standards are.
If you truly want the relationship to work, be real with yourself and your partner. Be completely honest and truthful with your partner about your wants and needs. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book to your mate.
If you are the person who has damaged the relationship, make sure that you hear your partner. He needs to know that you have listened and understand the full gravity of your actions and how they have affected him. Acknowledge the damage your behavior has caused to your partner's self-esteem, mental state and emotions.
Understand that any time you turn away from your partner to fill your needs instead of toward him, it's a betrayal. It's not just what you do — it's what you don't do. You can violate someone by withholding affection.
What is the payoff for hanging onto the guilt? Listen to the messages you tell yourself. Are they keeping you on the right path or are they keeping you from actively participating in your life? If you feel better when you are punished, punishment has become a reward. Do you pull back from hope and optimism? Do you secretly believe, "If I get too happy, something bad is going to happen to me or my family"? You aren't protecting anyone by withholding who you are. Get back in the game and contribute rather than hide.
Are you trustworthy? If you want a good partner, be a good partner.
Are you afraid the saying, "If they did it with you, they'll do it to you"
is true? You can't control your partner's behavior. If this relationship is going to work, you are going to have to own your own behavior.
Work out problems in your relationship within your relationship. You absolutely cannot fix a problem inside a relationship by turning outward.
Forgiveness is a choice. Don't wait for it to just wash over you all of a sudden. You have to choose it.
Don't give your power away.
The pain of what happened is inevitable, but continuing to suffer is optional. The only person you can control is you.
By constantly reliving the pain of what happened, you are giving your power away to the person who wronged you.
Don't cling to negative feelings.
Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you.
There is no right timeline for recovery. For some people, making peace happens suddenly and spontaneously. For others, it takes time and effort.
You may have to make a conscious effort every day to forgive. To say, "I'm letting this go. I'm not going to invest hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment in this person anymore."
You can find closure in forgiveness.
If you respond to stress or conflict with a pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your partner.
Give or receive input.
Be open to receiving input from your partner. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your partner asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both partners know they are going to be told the truth.
Reflect content and feelings.
After receiving input from your partner, verify that what you are hearing is what your partner is actually saying. You've got to say, "So what I heard from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what he is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc." This is an area that I am horrible at, I am constantly thinking one thing when my husband is talking and really what he is saying is something completely different. Miss- Communication~
Accept feedback and respond.
If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your partner isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your partner is really saying, you can accept the feedback.
Stay in the moment
(Ladies, this is a hard one for us! Yet it is very important!!) Stay with the issues at hand. Do not discuss past history at any time during this process.
Do not leave.
Do not leave the discussion until it is completed. To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit beforehand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.
Stop Excusing Inexcusable Behavior
You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception. If lies, infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors are threatening your marriage or partnership, Remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your partner is doing what he is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by making excuses for your partner and blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it.
You can't change what you don't acknowledge
First, acknowledge that there is something wrong. If what is happening isn't normal, admit it. You need to set some new standards of acceptable behavior and your partner needs to know what those standards are.
If you truly want the relationship to work, be real with yourself and your partner. Be completely honest and truthful with your partner about your wants and needs. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book to your mate.
If you are the person who has damaged the relationship, make sure that you hear your partner. He needs to know that you have listened and understand the full gravity of your actions and how they have affected him. Acknowledge the damage your behavior has caused to your partner's self-esteem, mental state and emotions.
Understand that any time you turn away from your partner to fill your needs instead of toward him, it's a betrayal. It's not just what you do — it's what you don't do. You can violate someone by withholding affection.
What is the payoff for hanging onto the guilt? Listen to the messages you tell yourself. Are they keeping you on the right path or are they keeping you from actively participating in your life? If you feel better when you are punished, punishment has become a reward. Do you pull back from hope and optimism? Do you secretly believe, "If I get too happy, something bad is going to happen to me or my family"? You aren't protecting anyone by withholding who you are. Get back in the game and contribute rather than hide.
Are you trustworthy? If you want a good partner, be a good partner.
Are you afraid the saying, "If they did it with you, they'll do it to you"
is true? You can't control your partner's behavior. If this relationship is going to work, you are going to have to own your own behavior.
Work out problems in your relationship within your relationship. You absolutely cannot fix a problem inside a relationship by turning outward.
Forgiveness is a choice. Don't wait for it to just wash over you all of a sudden. You have to choose it.
Don't give your power away.
The pain of what happened is inevitable, but continuing to suffer is optional. The only person you can control is you.
By constantly reliving the pain of what happened, you are giving your power away to the person who wronged you.
Don't cling to negative feelings.
Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you.
There is no right timeline for recovery. For some people, making peace happens suddenly and spontaneously. For others, it takes time and effort.
You may have to make a conscious effort every day to forgive. To say, "I'm letting this go. I'm not going to invest hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment in this person anymore."
You can find closure in forgiveness.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Understanding Co-Dependency
The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is understanding it.
It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and it's cycle and how it extends into their relationships.
A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and her family. The co-dependent must identify and embrace her feelings and needs.
Throughout this article I am going to use the term "her" many times. I use "her" because this is me... I am the co-dependent struggling to save my marriage. I hope my Marriage Tips; Marriage Advice will help you in some way~
Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand the better you can cope with it's effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help you live a healthier, more fulfilling life.
You will have a successful recovery by adapting good learning skills, taking a good look at yourself and your actions, and allowing the necessary TIME to make changes that work for YOU! While codependency can be tackled by yourself with motivation, discipline, and education, counseling along with a positive supportive spouse can make these tasks tremendously easier by pointing out problems and non-helpful behaviors. Plus, counseling gives you a chance to process your plans and progress on a weekly basis. When you've moved on, you will find it was more than worth it. Remember to keep weekly journals of your progress. (this was very helpful to me, to be able to look back and see how much I have changed and developed.)
Learning assertiveness, listening, and communication skills is important to help your spouse in being a supportive partner. In treatment your spouse can help you by becoming more aware of non-helpful actions/behaviors, and work with you on developing new, healthier coping skills.
In the case of codependency though, counseling only helps if the counselor is aware of their own tendency towards co dependence, or if the counselor has some understanding about the addictive push in our society. Counselors, in the case of codependency, need to educate you in good boundary setting and healthy living.
IDENTITY CRISIS
You are likely to go through an identity crisis. Be prepared to see and become who you really are. Maybe you won't be the cute, innocent, docile creature you think you are. So be it! Better to be genuine. Your real personality will not hurt anyone. Your truly wonderful and valuable personality characteristics will remain intact. The only aspect that will be lost will be the phony ones that you are clinging to, or that others have imprinted upon you but that are not the REAL YOU!
It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and it's cycle and how it extends into their relationships.
A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and her family. The co-dependent must identify and embrace her feelings and needs.
Throughout this article I am going to use the term "her" many times. I use "her" because this is me... I am the co-dependent struggling to save my marriage. I hope my Marriage Tips; Marriage Advice will help you in some way~
Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand the better you can cope with it's effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help you live a healthier, more fulfilling life.
You will have a successful recovery by adapting good learning skills, taking a good look at yourself and your actions, and allowing the necessary TIME to make changes that work for YOU! While codependency can be tackled by yourself with motivation, discipline, and education, counseling along with a positive supportive spouse can make these tasks tremendously easier by pointing out problems and non-helpful behaviors. Plus, counseling gives you a chance to process your plans and progress on a weekly basis. When you've moved on, you will find it was more than worth it. Remember to keep weekly journals of your progress. (this was very helpful to me, to be able to look back and see how much I have changed and developed.)
Learning assertiveness, listening, and communication skills is important to help your spouse in being a supportive partner. In treatment your spouse can help you by becoming more aware of non-helpful actions/behaviors, and work with you on developing new, healthier coping skills.
In the case of codependency though, counseling only helps if the counselor is aware of their own tendency towards co dependence, or if the counselor has some understanding about the addictive push in our society. Counselors, in the case of codependency, need to educate you in good boundary setting and healthy living.
IDENTITY CRISIS
You are likely to go through an identity crisis. Be prepared to see and become who you really are. Maybe you won't be the cute, innocent, docile creature you think you are. So be it! Better to be genuine. Your real personality will not hurt anyone. Your truly wonderful and valuable personality characteristics will remain intact. The only aspect that will be lost will be the phony ones that you are clinging to, or that others have imprinted upon you but that are not the REAL YOU!
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