CO-DEPENDENCY~
By now, many people have heard the term "co-dependency." That is because the syndrome of co-dependency is so widespread, and it appears with ever increasing frequency. What is co-dependency, exactly? And why is it so harmful?
Co-dependency is actually an umbrella term; it represents an entire range of feelings, beliefs about ourselves, behaviors and symptoms. The main characteristic is a BIG focus on another person. This is usually our loved one- spouse, significant other. But a persona who is co-dependent often is focused on EVERYBODY else, rather than on herself. For example, when going out to a restaurant with a group, everyone might be trying to decide on where to go. The co-dependent person will demur, saying, " I don't care, anywhere is ok with me." While this can be a very useful strategy in a group and make getting places easier, for the co-dependent, this lack of decision making ability and knee-jerk compliance is a big problem. The co-dependent becomes so compliant and passive, eager to please the others that she really does forget to know what she wants, likes and prefers!
Typically, the co-dependent person came from a home in which their emotional needs were not met. Their parents were not able to provide the attention, warmth and responsiveness which kids need in order to feel that their needs count. So, they grew up feeling that their needs did NOT matter, that their desires were unimportant, that they themselves were 2nd class citizens. Over time, the co-dependent person actually FORGETS what there needs, desires, feelings about things even are.
Of course, as kids, we try to get the response we need from our parents... at least until we give up completely. But we remain always drawn to that same sort of familiar person... an emotionally unavailable person whom we can try to get love from, whom we can try to "change." The need to re-play the childhood drama and TRY, TRY ,TRY to achieve a different ending is so intense, that it determines even the type of person the co-dependent is drawn to! A person who is kind, stable, reliable and interested would not be attractive, typically to the co-dependent person... they would appear "boring." Having received very little nurturing, the co-dependent tries to fill this unmet need vicariously, by becoming a care-giver, especially to any person who appears in some way needy.
Many consequences flow from this sorry state of affairs. For one, co-dependents become addicted to emotional pain. They are drawn to people who are not available to them, or who reject them.
The co-dependent is often immobilized by romantic obsessions. They search for the "magical dream" in others to make them feel complete. They might idealize other people and endow them with powerful symbolism.
In the relationship, the co-dependent will do anything to keep it from dissolving. This is because she is terrified of abandonment, the same psychic abandonment she felt as a kid when the parents were not there. So nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time or is too expensive if it will "help" the person the co-dependent is involved with. Co-dependents are willing to take more than 50% of the responsibility, guilt and blame in any relationship.
Accustomed to lack of love support, and stability in a relationship, co-dependents are willing to wait, hope, and try harder to please. At the same time, they have a desperate need to control the relationship. this is because the need for the missing love and security is the foremost motivation in any relationship for a co-dependent. Co-dependent people mask these efforts to control people and situations as "being helpful." In fact, attempts to "help" other people, when these others are adults, almost always have elements of control in them.
The paradox here is that co-dependents really fear relationships, because of their bad track record at home! In the relationship, they fear abandonment and rejection. This is because deep inside, there is some sort of belief that they do not deserve the love they seek, they do not deserve to be happy. Rather, they must work to earn the right to be happy... and of course, they never win and commonly ending in abandonment. Since the co-dependent does not understand what is happening in there destructive life they usually cannot save there relationship and it is too late. The co-dependent needs to have the relationship partner understand the addiction in depth to help to co-dependent.
By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain and emotionally painful, they avoid focusing on their responsibility to themselves. In trying to conceal the demanding-ness from themselves and others, they grow more isolated and alienated from themselves and from the very people they long to be close to! They may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, and /or certain foods, especially sugary ones. They may have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which they try to hide or deny.
No doubt about it, co-dependency can be a serious addiction. Most of us have some of these characteristics, at least at times. And we have to ask what can be done about it? Fortunately, there is hope for the person caught in the trap of co-dependent relationships/personality traits. Recovery from co-dependency is much like recovery from any other addiction: it takes time, commitment, willingness to do the work and an incredibly supportive reliable partner.
To read about how to put the magic back in your marriage GO HERE
Secrets to a happy Marriage, Click HERE
1 comment:
wow. thank you for posting that bit on co-dependency. rings way too true. a lot of things make sense now. what i need to figure out is how to break this habit.
Post a Comment