Marriage and Communication~

Communicating with Your Spouse;

If you respond to stress or conflict with an ingrained pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your spouse.

Give or receive input;

Be open to receiving input from your spouse. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your spouse asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both of you know they are going to be told the truth.

Reflect on words and feelings;

After receiving input from your spouse, verify that what you are hearing is what your spouse is actually saying. You've got to say, "What I hear from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what she is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc. "Accept feedback and respond. If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your spouse isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your spouse is really saying, you can accept the feedback.

• Stay in the moment.
• Stay with the issues at hand.
• Do not discuss past history at any timeduring this process.
• Do not leave.
• Do not leave the discussion until it is completed.

To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit before hand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.

Stop Excusing Inexcusable Behavior;

You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception. If lies,infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors are threatening your marriage or partnership, remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your spouse is doing what he/she is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by making excuses for your spouse and blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. First, acknowledge that there is something wrong. If what is happening isn't normal, admit it. You need to set some new standards of acceptable behavior and your spouse needs to know what those standards are. If you truly want the relationship to work, be real with yourself and yourspouse. Be completely honest and truthful with your spouse about your wants and needs. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book to your mate.If you are the person who has damaged the relationship, make sure that you hear your spouse. He needs to know that you have listened and understand the full gravity of your actions and how they have affected him. Acknowledge the damage your behavior has caused to your spouse's self-esteem, mental state and emotions. Understand that any time you turn away from your spouse to fill your needs instead of toward him, it's a betrayal. It's not just what you do it's what you don't do. You can violate someone by withholding affection.What is the payoff for hanging onto the guilt? Listen to the messages you tell yourself. Are they keeping you on the right path or are they keeping you from actively participating in your life? If you feel better when you are punished, punishment has become a reward. Do you pull back from hope and optimism? Do you secretly believe, "If I get too happy, something bad is going to happen to me or my family"?

You aren't protecting anyone by withholding who you are. Get back in the game and contribute rather than hide.

Marriage Tips; Communication and Emotional Awareness

Communicating with Emotional Awareness~

If you respond to stress or conflict with a pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your partner.

Give or receive input.

Be open to receiving input from your partner. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your partner asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both partners know they are going to be told the truth.


Reflect content and feelings.


After receiving input from your partner, verify that what you are hearing is what your partner is actually saying. You've got to say, "So what I heard from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what he is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc." This is an area that I am horrible at, I am constantly thinking one thing when my husband is talking and really what he is saying is something completely different. Miss- Communication~

Accept feedback and respond.

If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your partner isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your partner is really saying, you can accept the feedback.

Stay in the moment

(Ladies, this is a hard one for us! Yet it is very important!!) Stay with the issues at hand. Do not discuss past history at any time during this process.

Do not leave.

Do not leave the discussion until it is completed. To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit beforehand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.
Stop Excusing Inexcusable Behavior

You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception. If lies, infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors are threatening your marriage or partnership, Remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your partner is doing what he is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by making excuses for your partner and blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it.

You can't change what you don't acknowledge

First, acknowledge that there is something wrong. If what is happening isn't normal, admit it. You need to set some new standards of acceptable behavior and your partner needs to know what those standards are.
If you truly want the relationship to work, be real with yourself and your partner. Be completely honest and truthful with your partner about your wants and needs. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book to your mate.

If you are the person who has damaged the relationship, make sure that you hear your partner. He needs to know that you have listened and understand the full gravity of your actions and how they have affected him. Acknowledge the damage your behavior has caused to your partner's self-esteem, mental state and emotions.

Understand that any time you turn away from your partner to fill your needs instead of toward him, it's a betrayal. It's not just what you do — it's what you don't do. You can violate someone by withholding affection.
What is the payoff for hanging onto the guilt? Listen to the messages you tell yourself. Are they keeping you on the right path or are they keeping you from actively participating in your life? If you feel better when you are punished, punishment has become a reward. Do you pull back from hope and optimism? Do you secretly believe, "If I get too happy, something bad is going to happen to me or my family"? You aren't protecting anyone by withholding who you are. Get back in the game and contribute rather than hide.

Are you trustworthy? If you want a good partner, be a good partner.
Are you afraid the saying, "If they did it with you, they'll do it to you"
is true? You can't control your partner's behavior. If this relationship is going to work, you are going to have to own your own behavior.

Work out problems in your relationship within your relationship. You absolutely cannot fix a problem inside a relationship by turning outward.

Forgiveness is a choice. Don't wait for it to just wash over you all of a sudden. You have to choose it.

Don't give your power away.

The pain of what happened is inevitable, but continuing to suffer is optional. The only person you can control is you.
By constantly reliving the pain of what happened, you are giving your power away to the person who wronged you.

Don't cling to negative feelings.

Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you.
There is no right timeline for recovery. For some people, making peace happens suddenly and spontaneously. For others, it takes time and effort.

You may have to make a conscious effort every day to forgive. To say, "I'm letting this go. I'm not going to invest hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment in this person anymore."

You can find closure in forgiveness.