Do not look at others, look at yourself. And let what is inside of you come out, whatever the risk. There is no greater risk than suppression.
Listen to yourself~
Always listen to your own feelings, there is no need to look around. And by looking at people you cannot see exactly what is happening to them because their face is not their reality. Their outside appearance is not their inner, just as your outside appearance is not your inner.
This is the whole game that society plays, not to show your inner, your center, your real face. Hide it, show it only to someone who is very intimate and will understand. But who is intimate, even spouses do not show their faces to each other. Because nobody knows; the minute someone loves you the next minute they may not. How do you decide whom to have intimacy and show your true inner self?
I believe this is only a question you can answer yourself.
Showing posts with label save your marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label save your marriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Marriage Tips; Trusting yourself and the Other
Do not look at others, look at yourself. And let what is inside of you come out, whatever the risk. There is no greater risk than suppression.
Listen to yourself~
Always listen to your own feelings, there is no need to look around. And by looking at people you cannot see exactly what is happening to them because their face is not their reality. Their outside appearance is not their inner, just as your outside appearance is not your inner.
This is the whole game that society plays, not to show your inner, your center, your real face. Hide it, show it only to someone who is very intimate and will understand. But who is intimate, even spouses do not show their faces to each other. Because nobody knows; the minute someone loves you the next minute they may not. How do you decide whom to have intimacy and show your true inner self?
I believe this is only a question you can answer yourself.
Listen to yourself~
Always listen to your own feelings, there is no need to look around. And by looking at people you cannot see exactly what is happening to them because their face is not their reality. Their outside appearance is not their inner, just as your outside appearance is not your inner.
This is the whole game that society plays, not to show your inner, your center, your real face. Hide it, show it only to someone who is very intimate and will understand. But who is intimate, even spouses do not show their faces to each other. Because nobody knows; the minute someone loves you the next minute they may not. How do you decide whom to have intimacy and show your true inner self?
I believe this is only a question you can answer yourself.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Marriage and Communication~
Communicating with Your Spouse;
If you respond to stress or conflict with an ingrained pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your spouse.
Give or receive input;
Be open to receiving input from your spouse. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your spouse asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both of you know they are going to be told the truth.
Reflect on words and feelings;
After receiving input from your spouse, verify that what you are hearing is what your spouse is actually saying. You've got to say, "What I hear from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what she is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc. "Accept feedback and respond. If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your spouse isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your spouse is really saying, you can accept the feedback.
If you respond to stress or conflict with an ingrained pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your spouse.
Give or receive input;
Be open to receiving input from your spouse. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your spouse asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both of you know they are going to be told the truth.
Reflect on words and feelings;
After receiving input from your spouse, verify that what you are hearing is what your spouse is actually saying. You've got to say, "What I hear from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what she is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc. "Accept feedback and respond. If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your spouse isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your spouse is really saying, you can accept the feedback.
- Stay in the moment.
- Stay with the issues at hand.
- Do not discuss past history at any timeduring this process.
- Do not leave.
- Do not leave the discussion until it is completed.
To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit before hand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.
Stop Excusing Inexcusable Behavior;
You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception. If lies,infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors are threatening your marriage or partnership, remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your spouse is doing what he/she is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by making excuses for your spouse and blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. First, acknowledge that there is something wrong. If what is happening isn't normal, admit it. You need to set some new standards of acceptable behavior and your spouse needs to know what those standards are. If you truly want the relationship to work, be real with yourself and yourspouse. Be completely honest and truthful with your spouse about your wants and needs. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book to your mate.If you are the person who has damaged the relationship, make sure that you hear your spouse. He needs to know that you have listened and understand the full gravity of your actions and how they have affected him. Acknowledge the damage your behavior has caused to your spouse's self-esteem, mental state and emotions. Understand that any time you turn away from your spouse to fill your needs instead of toward him, it's a betrayal. It's not just what you do it's what you don't do. You can violate someone by withholding affection.What is the payoff for hanging onto the guilt? Listen to the messages you tell yourself. Are they keeping you on the right path or are they keeping you from actively participating in your life? If you feel better when you are punished, punishment has become a reward. Do you pull back from hope and optimism? Do you secretly believe, "If I get too happy, something bad is going to happen to me or my family"?
You aren't protecting anyone by withholding who you are. Get back in the game and contribute rather than hide.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Marriage Tips; Communication and Emotional Awareness
Communicating with Emotional Awareness~
If you respond to stress or conflict with a pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your partner.
Give or receive input.
Be open to receiving input from your partner. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your partner asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both partners know they are going to be told the truth.
Reflect content and feelings.
After receiving input from your partner, verify that what you are hearing is what your partner is actually saying. You've got to say, "So what I heard from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what he is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc." This is an area that I am horrible at, I am constantly thinking one thing when my husband is talking and really what he is saying is something completely different. Miss- Communication~
Accept feedback and respond.
If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your partner isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your partner is really saying, you can accept the feedback.
Stay in the moment
(Ladies, this is a hard one for us! Yet it is very important!!) Stay with the issues at hand. Do not discuss past history at any time during this process.
Do not leave.
Do not leave the discussion until it is completed. To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit beforehand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.
Stop Excusing Inexcusable Behavior
You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception. If lies, infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors are threatening your marriage or partnership, Remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your partner is doing what he is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by making excuses for your partner and blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it.
You can't change what you don't acknowledge
First, acknowledge that there is something wrong. If what is happening isn't normal, admit it. You need to set some new standards of acceptable behavior and your partner needs to know what those standards are.
If you truly want the relationship to work, be real with yourself and your partner. Be completely honest and truthful with your partner about your wants and needs. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book to your mate.
If you are the person who has damaged the relationship, make sure that you hear your partner. He needs to know that you have listened and understand the full gravity of your actions and how they have affected him. Acknowledge the damage your behavior has caused to your partner's self-esteem, mental state and emotions.
Understand that any time you turn away from your partner to fill your needs instead of toward him, it's a betrayal. It's not just what you do — it's what you don't do. You can violate someone by withholding affection.
What is the payoff for hanging onto the guilt? Listen to the messages you tell yourself. Are they keeping you on the right path or are they keeping you from actively participating in your life? If you feel better when you are punished, punishment has become a reward. Do you pull back from hope and optimism? Do you secretly believe, "If I get too happy, something bad is going to happen to me or my family"? You aren't protecting anyone by withholding who you are. Get back in the game and contribute rather than hide.
Are you trustworthy? If you want a good partner, be a good partner.
Are you afraid the saying, "If they did it with you, they'll do it to you"
is true? You can't control your partner's behavior. If this relationship is going to work, you are going to have to own your own behavior.
Work out problems in your relationship within your relationship. You absolutely cannot fix a problem inside a relationship by turning outward.
Forgiveness is a choice. Don't wait for it to just wash over you all of a sudden. You have to choose it.
Don't give your power away.
The pain of what happened is inevitable, but continuing to suffer is optional. The only person you can control is you.
By constantly reliving the pain of what happened, you are giving your power away to the person who wronged you.
Don't cling to negative feelings.
Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you.
There is no right timeline for recovery. For some people, making peace happens suddenly and spontaneously. For others, it takes time and effort.
You may have to make a conscious effort every day to forgive. To say, "I'm letting this go. I'm not going to invest hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment in this person anymore."
You can find closure in forgiveness.
If you respond to stress or conflict with a pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your partner.
Give or receive input.
Be open to receiving input from your partner. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your partner asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both partners know they are going to be told the truth.
Reflect content and feelings.
After receiving input from your partner, verify that what you are hearing is what your partner is actually saying. You've got to say, "So what I heard from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what he is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc." This is an area that I am horrible at, I am constantly thinking one thing when my husband is talking and really what he is saying is something completely different. Miss- Communication~
Accept feedback and respond.
If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your partner isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your partner is really saying, you can accept the feedback.
Stay in the moment
(Ladies, this is a hard one for us! Yet it is very important!!) Stay with the issues at hand. Do not discuss past history at any time during this process.
Do not leave.
Do not leave the discussion until it is completed. To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit beforehand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.
Stop Excusing Inexcusable Behavior
You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception. If lies, infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors are threatening your marriage or partnership, Remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your partner is doing what he is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by making excuses for your partner and blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it.
You can't change what you don't acknowledge
First, acknowledge that there is something wrong. If what is happening isn't normal, admit it. You need to set some new standards of acceptable behavior and your partner needs to know what those standards are.
If you truly want the relationship to work, be real with yourself and your partner. Be completely honest and truthful with your partner about your wants and needs. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book to your mate.
If you are the person who has damaged the relationship, make sure that you hear your partner. He needs to know that you have listened and understand the full gravity of your actions and how they have affected him. Acknowledge the damage your behavior has caused to your partner's self-esteem, mental state and emotions.
Understand that any time you turn away from your partner to fill your needs instead of toward him, it's a betrayal. It's not just what you do — it's what you don't do. You can violate someone by withholding affection.
What is the payoff for hanging onto the guilt? Listen to the messages you tell yourself. Are they keeping you on the right path or are they keeping you from actively participating in your life? If you feel better when you are punished, punishment has become a reward. Do you pull back from hope and optimism? Do you secretly believe, "If I get too happy, something bad is going to happen to me or my family"? You aren't protecting anyone by withholding who you are. Get back in the game and contribute rather than hide.
Are you trustworthy? If you want a good partner, be a good partner.
Are you afraid the saying, "If they did it with you, they'll do it to you"
is true? You can't control your partner's behavior. If this relationship is going to work, you are going to have to own your own behavior.
Work out problems in your relationship within your relationship. You absolutely cannot fix a problem inside a relationship by turning outward.
Forgiveness is a choice. Don't wait for it to just wash over you all of a sudden. You have to choose it.
Don't give your power away.
The pain of what happened is inevitable, but continuing to suffer is optional. The only person you can control is you.
By constantly reliving the pain of what happened, you are giving your power away to the person who wronged you.
Don't cling to negative feelings.
Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you.
There is no right timeline for recovery. For some people, making peace happens suddenly and spontaneously. For others, it takes time and effort.
You may have to make a conscious effort every day to forgive. To say, "I'm letting this go. I'm not going to invest hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment in this person anymore."
You can find closure in forgiveness.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Marriage Tips; Power Struggles within your marriage~
Power struggles are antiques in the making. They are becoming dated, and eventually they will become obsolete.
The difference between power struggles and antiques is that antiques acquire nostalgic value, but power struggles will not. They will be seen clearly for what they are - artifacts of an earlier form of human evolution that is no longer constructive.
When a new structure is built, excavation of the building site unearths rusted pipe, bent nails, broken glass, and foundations of buildings built long ago. Ground is now being broken for a new human awareness. When this structure is complete, it will replace all that stood in the same place. A new humankind is being born, and with it a new consciousness that is changing every aspect of the human experience.
Power struggles are the most prominent characteristic of the human experience, the dominant elements in the landscape. Human history is the chronicle of power struggles between individuals, spouses and relationships.
Striving to manipulate and control what appears to be external, including other people, is the pursuit of external power. Creating external power has kept us alive, and allowed us to prosper. It has produced shelter, agriculture, science, and more. Everything that does not occur naturally is a product of external power.
The pursuit of external power without reverence is the cause of every conflict, cruelty, and painful emotion. There are no constructive consequences that can come from a power struggle, because the perception of power has the ability to manipulate and control no longer serves purpose. That perception underlies every power struggle.
The difference between power struggles and antiques is that antiques acquire nostalgic value, but power struggles will not. They will be seen clearly for what they are - artifacts of an earlier form of human evolution that is no longer constructive.
When a new structure is built, excavation of the building site unearths rusted pipe, bent nails, broken glass, and foundations of buildings built long ago. Ground is now being broken for a new human awareness. When this structure is complete, it will replace all that stood in the same place. A new humankind is being born, and with it a new consciousness that is changing every aspect of the human experience.
Power struggles are the most prominent characteristic of the human experience, the dominant elements in the landscape. Human history is the chronicle of power struggles between individuals, spouses and relationships.
Striving to manipulate and control what appears to be external, including other people, is the pursuit of external power. Creating external power has kept us alive, and allowed us to prosper. It has produced shelter, agriculture, science, and more. Everything that does not occur naturally is a product of external power.
The pursuit of external power without reverence is the cause of every conflict, cruelty, and painful emotion. There are no constructive consequences that can come from a power struggle, because the perception of power has the ability to manipulate and control no longer serves purpose. That perception underlies every power struggle.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Marriage Tips; Women are the foundation~
Out of men and women, who can save the marriage better? Who can be the foundation that is so strong that the building does not shake despite an earthquake? Who do you think is fit for this role- women or men?
Common sense tells us that a woman can become a better foundation compared to the man. But common sense deceives us very often. Every marriage has its own problems and characteristics.
If the man is more concerned and more intelligent, he will save the marriage and if the woman is more concerned, she will save the marriage. It will depend upon the ability and desire of both the partners. No one can say that women are better suited to save the marriage. Sometimes they wreck it.
As said, the partner who is more intelligent and values the marriage more will save it through all the obstacles.
Common sense tells us that a woman can become a better foundation compared to the man. But common sense deceives us very often. Every marriage has its own problems and characteristics.
If the man is more concerned and more intelligent, he will save the marriage and if the woman is more concerned, she will save the marriage. It will depend upon the ability and desire of both the partners. No one can say that women are better suited to save the marriage. Sometimes they wreck it.
As said, the partner who is more intelligent and values the marriage more will save it through all the obstacles.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Marriage Tips~ Desperate to save your marriage
One day you come to a realization that your marriage is headed to divorce. Where do you go, what do you do, where do you turn?
If I can offer you anything, it is this: You cannot repair your marriage ALONE!! One of you may want to save your marriage more than the other, and you can work with that. But it will take both of you to successfully save your marriage.
When I found myself going through a difficult time in my marriage, I was at a loss. I had no idea what I was doing day to day. I look back now and I cannot tell you what I did during those two months that my husband was confidently telling me he wanted a divorce. I remember feeling as though my life was falling apart and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
All I knew is that the man that I was completely head over heels in love with, was not for whatever reason able to stand by me when I had a problem. He was not able to offer me the strength and guidance that I could come to him about absolutely anything. I was suppose to be able to "walk on water" and never make a mistake. Not very realistic.
When I was searching out for guidance the best information I found was on the Internet. When you are going through a difficult time, you are looking for that one answer. The perfect answer that will just tell you what to do, to be able to fix everything.
After all my searches day after day I found several great sites with information that did in fact help save my marriage. Now that I am starting to repair my life, I feel the desire to help other women that may be in similar situation.
Copy and past this link http://marriage.about.com into the google address bar in the right top corner... this site is what honestly helped me save my marriage. I cannot say enough good things... about.com is an information site that can guide you, help you, teach you, and offer you help when you need it the most.
Please check out these links that I am supplying, if you can take the time to read the information you will get some great guidance.
GO HERE for save my marriage guidance
Tips to save your marriage
50 Tips to a better marriage
Put trust back in your marriage
Please leave me your comments and feedback~
If I can offer you anything, it is this: You cannot repair your marriage ALONE!! One of you may want to save your marriage more than the other, and you can work with that. But it will take both of you to successfully save your marriage.
When I found myself going through a difficult time in my marriage, I was at a loss. I had no idea what I was doing day to day. I look back now and I cannot tell you what I did during those two months that my husband was confidently telling me he wanted a divorce. I remember feeling as though my life was falling apart and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
All I knew is that the man that I was completely head over heels in love with, was not for whatever reason able to stand by me when I had a problem. He was not able to offer me the strength and guidance that I could come to him about absolutely anything. I was suppose to be able to "walk on water" and never make a mistake. Not very realistic.
When I was searching out for guidance the best information I found was on the Internet. When you are going through a difficult time, you are looking for that one answer. The perfect answer that will just tell you what to do, to be able to fix everything.
After all my searches day after day I found several great sites with information that did in fact help save my marriage. Now that I am starting to repair my life, I feel the desire to help other women that may be in similar situation.
Copy and past this link http://marriage.about.com into the google address bar in the right top corner... this site is what honestly helped me save my marriage. I cannot say enough good things... about.com is an information site that can guide you, help you, teach you, and offer you help when you need it the most.
Please check out these links that I am supplying, if you can take the time to read the information you will get some great guidance.
GO HERE for save my marriage guidance
Tips to save your marriage
50 Tips to a better marriage
Put trust back in your marriage
Please leave me your comments and feedback~
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