Have you ever heard of a paradigm shift?
A paradigm shift is when you force your mind to look at a situation in a different way.
Instead of looking at a potential problem, you could be looking at a potential solution, or window of opportunity.
We all react to situations in different ways. In our mind we choose to react to situations.
You can choose to react in a positive way or a negative way. It is all up to you.
How do you decide which way to look at a situation? That is up to you to decide.
You can only get out of life, that what you put in it. Love is an action verb. That means that if you want to be loved, you have to show love.
You are where are in life because it is where your thoughts have lead you to. You can only go in life where you thoughts lead you.
Where do you want to be in life? Okay, start going that way. It is just as easy, but it might take some hard work.
Let your mind take you where you want to go. Do you want to be in love? Do you want to love? When your heart is set for love and really desire love, then be in love. It's that easy! Act and feel everyday how much love is a part of you, then let it show and happen. Soak it in, to be in love is a very amazing feeling. You can tell by looking at a women just walking down the street whether she is in love.
Love makes your life different everyday, you look at life with such open eyes and heart.
Try it. Wake up tomorrow morning and say to yourself! I am in love, I desire love, love desires me. And let yourself act and feel freely all day and see how much better your day is, see how much better your husband responds to you. If you act as you are in a high school puppy love romance daily then the response you will get from your husband will be quite a surprise.
I love being in love, I love the look of love on my husband and the way it feels.
Showing posts with label saving my marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label saving my marriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Marriage Tips; Trusting yourself and the Other
Do not look at others, look at yourself. And let what is inside of you come out, whatever the risk. There is no greater risk than suppression.
Listen to yourself~
Always listen to your own feelings, there is no need to look around. And by looking at people you cannot see exactly what is happening to them because their face is not their reality. Their outside appearance is not their inner, just as your outside appearance is not your inner.
This is the whole game that society plays, not to show your inner, your center, your real face. Hide it, show it only to someone who is very intimate and will understand. But who is intimate, even spouses do not show their faces to each other. Because nobody knows; the minute someone loves you the next minute they may not. How do you decide whom to have intimacy and show your true inner self?
I believe this is only a question you can answer yourself.
Listen to yourself~
Always listen to your own feelings, there is no need to look around. And by looking at people you cannot see exactly what is happening to them because their face is not their reality. Their outside appearance is not their inner, just as your outside appearance is not your inner.
This is the whole game that society plays, not to show your inner, your center, your real face. Hide it, show it only to someone who is very intimate and will understand. But who is intimate, even spouses do not show their faces to each other. Because nobody knows; the minute someone loves you the next minute they may not. How do you decide whom to have intimacy and show your true inner self?
I believe this is only a question you can answer yourself.
Marriage Tips; Trusting yourself and the Other
Do not look at others, look at yourself. And let what is inside of you come out, whatever the risk. There is no greater risk than suppression.
Listen to yourself~
Always listen to your own feelings, there is no need to look around. And by looking at people you cannot see exactly what is happening to them because their face is not their reality. Their outside appearance is not their inner, just as your outside appearance is not your inner.
This is the whole game that society plays, not to show your inner, your center, your real face. Hide it, show it only to someone who is very intimate and will understand. But who is intimate, even spouses do not show their faces to each other. Because nobody knows; the minute someone loves you the next minute they may not. How do you decide whom to have intimacy and show your true inner self?
I believe this is only a question you can answer yourself.
Listen to yourself~
Always listen to your own feelings, there is no need to look around. And by looking at people you cannot see exactly what is happening to them because their face is not their reality. Their outside appearance is not their inner, just as your outside appearance is not your inner.
This is the whole game that society plays, not to show your inner, your center, your real face. Hide it, show it only to someone who is very intimate and will understand. But who is intimate, even spouses do not show their faces to each other. Because nobody knows; the minute someone loves you the next minute they may not. How do you decide whom to have intimacy and show your true inner self?
I believe this is only a question you can answer yourself.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Marriage Tips; Power Struggles within your marriage~
Power struggles are antiques in the making. They are becoming dated, and eventually they will become obsolete.
The difference between power struggles and antiques is that antiques acquire nostalgic value, but power struggles will not. They will be seen clearly for what they are - artifacts of an earlier form of human evolution that is no longer constructive.
When a new structure is built, excavation of the building site unearths rusted pipe, bent nails, broken glass, and foundations of buildings built long ago. Ground is now being broken for a new human awareness. When this structure is complete, it will replace all that stood in the same place. A new humankind is being born, and with it a new consciousness that is changing every aspect of the human experience.
Power struggles are the most prominent characteristic of the human experience, the dominant elements in the landscape. Human history is the chronicle of power struggles between individuals, spouses and relationships.
Striving to manipulate and control what appears to be external, including other people, is the pursuit of external power. Creating external power has kept us alive, and allowed us to prosper. It has produced shelter, agriculture, science, and more. Everything that does not occur naturally is a product of external power.
The pursuit of external power without reverence is the cause of every conflict, cruelty, and painful emotion. There are no constructive consequences that can come from a power struggle, because the perception of power has the ability to manipulate and control no longer serves purpose. That perception underlies every power struggle.
The difference between power struggles and antiques is that antiques acquire nostalgic value, but power struggles will not. They will be seen clearly for what they are - artifacts of an earlier form of human evolution that is no longer constructive.
When a new structure is built, excavation of the building site unearths rusted pipe, bent nails, broken glass, and foundations of buildings built long ago. Ground is now being broken for a new human awareness. When this structure is complete, it will replace all that stood in the same place. A new humankind is being born, and with it a new consciousness that is changing every aspect of the human experience.
Power struggles are the most prominent characteristic of the human experience, the dominant elements in the landscape. Human history is the chronicle of power struggles between individuals, spouses and relationships.
Striving to manipulate and control what appears to be external, including other people, is the pursuit of external power. Creating external power has kept us alive, and allowed us to prosper. It has produced shelter, agriculture, science, and more. Everything that does not occur naturally is a product of external power.
The pursuit of external power without reverence is the cause of every conflict, cruelty, and painful emotion. There are no constructive consequences that can come from a power struggle, because the perception of power has the ability to manipulate and control no longer serves purpose. That perception underlies every power struggle.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Communication is the core to a healthy marriage
Good "Communication" involves listening, assertiveness, and responsibility.
Communication is about getting our needs met through and with others. A primary problem in our society is people don't understand each other, here are a few prime examples:
- We do not communicate our personal needs and dislikes in an assertive way.
- We do not understand what someone else is trying to convey to us.
When you sit down and actually think about communication in your marriage, it takes more work to NOT communicate than it does TO communicate. Communication is just expressing our needs, our dislikes being empathetic and a good listener.
As women we need to get our feelings out, we tell our friends, our sisters, our mothers, whomever we have a relationship with that has been built with communication. The first person we should be communicating with oddly enough is the last person every time?
Understanding others is easy:
- Good listening. The importance of "just" listening
- Empathize your responses. restating what was said without solutions, embellishment, or talk about ourselves. The focus stays on the "other" person.
Communication becomes an unconscious, automatic pattern that is difficult to change and involves practice and not just learning but un-learning the old familiar ways.
Communication is the healthy way of getting our needs met and stating our dislikes. When effective communication is not used or learned, people learn unhealthy tactics to cope and meet their needs.
I am guilty and I am sure many of you can relate:
- non-verbal
- passive-aggression
- isolation
- acting out
- verbal aggression
- passive anger
- numbing - "I don't care"
- depression
When you are aware of everything that you are feeling, all the time, you are in continual communication with yourself. Learning how to listen to that communication, and act on it, is your purpose. Becoming aware of what you are feeling
The choice that confronts you is whether to ease the pain you feel by escaping from it into thoughts or activities, or to keep your attention inward in order to learn where your discomfort is coming from, and heal the source of it. A way to avoid painful emotions is to escape into an activity. It is easier to focus your thoughts elsewhere than to experience the intense physical pain of a hurtful emotion.
The first step in uncovering the origin of a compulsion is the hardest. To uncover the origin of a compulsion, you must stop doing what is compulsive, therefore you must "acknowledge" and experience what you feel when you do. If you flee back into an activity or your thoughts, be gentle with yourself. If the intensity of a painful emotion is more than you can endure without striking out at another person to to experience it for one minute without distracting yourself.
The time the pain of rage, superior, jealousy, or vengefulness comes, try experience it without distraction for two minutes. Do that consciously. Being aware of your emotions is the first step. If you are not aware of what you are feeling in your body and what you are thinking, you are not aware of the present moment. When you are not aware of your emotions, your attention is focused on the circumstances around you.
Emotional awareness is the healing remedy for a fixation on external circumstances. When you are fixated on events of your life, your attention is absorbed. When you are aware of your emotions and what is occurring around you, you step into the present "real" moment.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Marriage Tips: Help and Hope
* Go for help. A reputable therapist and supportive spouse is a very important tool here, because others can help you see your own co-dependent behavior and attitudes in ways you may not see yourself.
* Make recovery a first priority. Like all addictions, co-dependency is insidious, you may recognize yourself in the symptoms, but then deny their importance or deny that they apply to you after all. You may decide to change, and then time after time find yourself doing the same old things. Making recovery a first priority means outlining your destructive behaviors, finding alternative behaviors, and then implementing them! It means, challenging yourself, talking with others about changing, and then changing!
* Begin to know yourself. The more you learn about this disease, the more you will see how it creeps into every aspect of your life, and how destructive it can be. Listening to others, and identifying with them can help you recognize yourself and understand yourself, and setting higher standards, more appropriate goals.
* Develop a spiritual side through daily practice. An inner life is important to those recovering from co-dependency, because it will allow you to see that you are love able, and that your whole world does NOT have to revolve around your spouse. Find serenity outside of your daily life and family... any activity which is serene and focuses you on a source of nurturing outside of your brain. (Mine is the gym!)
* This is a tough one for me, still to this day: STOP managing and controlling others. This is a big challenge, but an important one. Here you stop telling the other what to do, how to live, what is wrong - or right with him. You stop intervening, helping, advising, you simply stop. You allow this other person to make his or her own decisions, for right or for wrong, you let them live their own life. Marriage is NOT ownership!!! This includes taking responsibility for their own mistakes, their unhappiness, their issues and their own growth. You cannot help them without helping yourself first.
* Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings. Now that you have liberated your energy from the other person's life, you have lots of time and energy to focus on your own life. All the things that occupied you with your husband might actually need attention in your OWN life! Often co-dependents say that they never realized how chaotic their own lives were, or how empty, how lonely, etc. Now is your time to face yourself, instead of dissipating your energy on trying to fix someone else.
* Cultivate whatever you need to develop as an individual. In facing yourself, you may see that you need to get in touch with your anger, or grieve what you have lost or what you never had, or contact your inner life. You need to sit still with yourself, that is important...WITH YOURSELF... and find out what you need to do, what you need to be, what you need to address to continue with your development in life.
* Become "selfish." At this point, you need to practice putting yourself first. Do you know how they tell parents on airplanes to always put on your oxygen mask first before trying to help your child with their mask? The adult has to be able to breathe and the have his or her needs adequately addressed before being able to help anybody. This is true for all aspects of life, not just for oxygen masks! Make sure your basic needs are met before you start giving away your time, energy, money, and other resources. Make sure you get your sleep, your meals, your serenity, and whatever else is important to you. When you are adequately supplied, then and only then will you have "stuff" to give to someone else. I never cared what decisions were being made, and let my husband run the show. I had to START CARING.... to show up and have an opinion. It is important here to learn how to advocate for ourselves.
* I love this one~ But I still struggling daily with it. Begin to feel that you are worthy of all life has to offer. This is tricky. Most people, if asked, will say "of course I think I am worthy!" But if you look at their lives, you may see a pattern which belies that belief. They are unhappy in their work, underemployed, bored or otherwise unhappy. No real future goals put into play. Perhaps they don't take care of their bodies, and they are frequently ill. Or they become very obsessive ( this is what I did.) and compulsive. They do not complain, or realize what needs fixing in there life. They just take it as it comes at them never asking how do these areas reflect my self-esteem?
Recovery from c-dependency is based on increased self-esteem... a self-esteem which can be gained by increased self-knowledge, your strong points and your weak points, and a full acceptance of yourself. There is a basic self-love, which you carefully nurture and expand. You get in touch with your feelings and attitudes about every aspect of your personality, including your sexuality. You begin to not only accept, but to actually cherish every aspect of yourself: your personality, your appearance, your beliefs and values, your body, your interests and accomplishments. You begin to validate yourself.
As you do this, you can enjoy being with others, especially your husband, who believes you are fine just as you are. You will not need to be needed in order to feel worthy.
You also work on accepting others as they are, without trying to change them to meet your needs. You know that you are safe because your standards are higher; you become open and trusting, but only with APPROPRIATE people.
You no longer expose yourself to the exploitation of those who are not interested in your well-being. Usually this means many friendships will be lost. (I struggled here, loosing some friends was tough, but I soon realized what the real definition of friends) Your higher criteria and standards are reflected in your approach to relationships. You will find a circle of supportive friends, your husband and healthy interests to see you through crises.
Your values change; now rather than your husband, you value your peace of mind and serenity above all else. You lose interest in the struggles, drama and chaos of the past. You become protective of yourself, your health and your well-being. You come to realize that for a relationship to work, it must be between partners who are equal and on not empowering the other. You want loved more than you need loved and you will find that your spouse will start respecting you with the love that you were trying to force the first time.
You come to know that you are worthy of the best that life has to offer, and you know that with help, perhaps, you can find a way to achieve that!
ASKING FOR HELP IS OK! You need to learn to ask for help instead of helping others first.
* Make recovery a first priority. Like all addictions, co-dependency is insidious, you may recognize yourself in the symptoms, but then deny their importance or deny that they apply to you after all. You may decide to change, and then time after time find yourself doing the same old things. Making recovery a first priority means outlining your destructive behaviors, finding alternative behaviors, and then implementing them! It means, challenging yourself, talking with others about changing, and then changing!
* Begin to know yourself. The more you learn about this disease, the more you will see how it creeps into every aspect of your life, and how destructive it can be. Listening to others, and identifying with them can help you recognize yourself and understand yourself, and setting higher standards, more appropriate goals.
* Develop a spiritual side through daily practice. An inner life is important to those recovering from co-dependency, because it will allow you to see that you are love able, and that your whole world does NOT have to revolve around your spouse. Find serenity outside of your daily life and family... any activity which is serene and focuses you on a source of nurturing outside of your brain. (Mine is the gym!)
* This is a tough one for me, still to this day: STOP managing and controlling others. This is a big challenge, but an important one. Here you stop telling the other what to do, how to live, what is wrong - or right with him. You stop intervening, helping, advising, you simply stop. You allow this other person to make his or her own decisions, for right or for wrong, you let them live their own life. Marriage is NOT ownership!!! This includes taking responsibility for their own mistakes, their unhappiness, their issues and their own growth. You cannot help them without helping yourself first.
* Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings. Now that you have liberated your energy from the other person's life, you have lots of time and energy to focus on your own life. All the things that occupied you with your husband might actually need attention in your OWN life! Often co-dependents say that they never realized how chaotic their own lives were, or how empty, how lonely, etc. Now is your time to face yourself, instead of dissipating your energy on trying to fix someone else.
* Cultivate whatever you need to develop as an individual. In facing yourself, you may see that you need to get in touch with your anger, or grieve what you have lost or what you never had, or contact your inner life. You need to sit still with yourself, that is important...WITH YOURSELF... and find out what you need to do, what you need to be, what you need to address to continue with your development in life.
* Become "selfish." At this point, you need to practice putting yourself first. Do you know how they tell parents on airplanes to always put on your oxygen mask first before trying to help your child with their mask? The adult has to be able to breathe and the have his or her needs adequately addressed before being able to help anybody. This is true for all aspects of life, not just for oxygen masks! Make sure your basic needs are met before you start giving away your time, energy, money, and other resources. Make sure you get your sleep, your meals, your serenity, and whatever else is important to you. When you are adequately supplied, then and only then will you have "stuff" to give to someone else. I never cared what decisions were being made, and let my husband run the show. I had to START CARING.... to show up and have an opinion. It is important here to learn how to advocate for ourselves.
* I love this one~ But I still struggling daily with it. Begin to feel that you are worthy of all life has to offer. This is tricky. Most people, if asked, will say "of course I think I am worthy!" But if you look at their lives, you may see a pattern which belies that belief. They are unhappy in their work, underemployed, bored or otherwise unhappy. No real future goals put into play. Perhaps they don't take care of their bodies, and they are frequently ill. Or they become very obsessive ( this is what I did.) and compulsive. They do not complain, or realize what needs fixing in there life. They just take it as it comes at them never asking how do these areas reflect my self-esteem?
Recovery from c-dependency is based on increased self-esteem... a self-esteem which can be gained by increased self-knowledge, your strong points and your weak points, and a full acceptance of yourself. There is a basic self-love, which you carefully nurture and expand. You get in touch with your feelings and attitudes about every aspect of your personality, including your sexuality. You begin to not only accept, but to actually cherish every aspect of yourself: your personality, your appearance, your beliefs and values, your body, your interests and accomplishments. You begin to validate yourself.
As you do this, you can enjoy being with others, especially your husband, who believes you are fine just as you are. You will not need to be needed in order to feel worthy.
You also work on accepting others as they are, without trying to change them to meet your needs. You know that you are safe because your standards are higher; you become open and trusting, but only with APPROPRIATE people.
You no longer expose yourself to the exploitation of those who are not interested in your well-being. Usually this means many friendships will be lost. (I struggled here, loosing some friends was tough, but I soon realized what the real definition of friends) Your higher criteria and standards are reflected in your approach to relationships. You will find a circle of supportive friends, your husband and healthy interests to see you through crises.
Your values change; now rather than your husband, you value your peace of mind and serenity above all else. You lose interest in the struggles, drama and chaos of the past. You become protective of yourself, your health and your well-being. You come to realize that for a relationship to work, it must be between partners who are equal and on not empowering the other. You want loved more than you need loved and you will find that your spouse will start respecting you with the love that you were trying to force the first time.
You come to know that you are worthy of the best that life has to offer, and you know that with help, perhaps, you can find a way to achieve that!
ASKING FOR HELP IS OK! You need to learn to ask for help instead of helping others first.
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