Marriage Tips; Trusting yourself and the Other

Do not look at others, look at yourself. And let what is inside of you come out, whatever the risk. There is no greater risk than suppression.

Listen to yourself~
Always listen to your own feelings, there is no need to look around. And by looking at people you cannot see exactly what is happening to them because their face is not their reality. Their outside appearance is not their inner, just as your outside appearance is not your inner.

This is the whole game that society plays, not to show your inner, your center, your real face. Hide it, show it only to someone who is very intimate and will understand. But who is intimate, even spouses do not show their faces to each other. Because nobody knows; the minute someone loves you the next minute they may not. How do you decide whom to have intimacy and show your true inner self?

I believe this is only a question you can answer yourself.

Marriage Tips; Trusting yourself and the Other

Do not look at others, look at yourself. And let what is inside of you come out, whatever the risk. There is no greater risk than suppression.

Listen to yourself~
Always listen to your own feelings, there is no need to look around. And by looking at people you cannot see exactly what is happening to them because their face is not their reality. Their outside appearance is not their inner, just as your outside appearance is not your inner.

This is the whole game that society plays, not to show your inner, your center, your real face. Hide it, show it only to someone who is very intimate and will understand. But who is intimate, even spouses do not show their faces to each other. Because nobody knows; the minute someone loves you the next minute they may not. How do you decide whom to have intimacy and show your true inner self?

I believe this is only a question you can answer yourself.

Marriage and Communication~

Communicating with Your Spouse;

If you respond to stress or conflict with an ingrained pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your spouse.

Give or receive input;

Be open to receiving input from your spouse. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your spouse asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both of you know they are going to be told the truth.

Reflect on words and feelings;

After receiving input from your spouse, verify that what you are hearing is what your spouse is actually saying. You've got to say, "What I hear from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what she is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc. "Accept feedback and respond. If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your spouse isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your spouse is really saying, you can accept the feedback.

• Stay in the moment.
• Stay with the issues at hand.
• Do not discuss past history at any timeduring this process.
• Do not leave.
• Do not leave the discussion until it is completed.

To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit before hand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.

Stop Excusing Inexcusable Behavior;

You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception. If lies,infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors are threatening your marriage or partnership, remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your spouse is doing what he/she is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by making excuses for your spouse and blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. First, acknowledge that there is something wrong. If what is happening isn't normal, admit it. You need to set some new standards of acceptable behavior and your spouse needs to know what those standards are. If you truly want the relationship to work, be real with yourself and yourspouse. Be completely honest and truthful with your spouse about your wants and needs. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book to your mate.If you are the person who has damaged the relationship, make sure that you hear your spouse. He needs to know that you have listened and understand the full gravity of your actions and how they have affected him. Acknowledge the damage your behavior has caused to your spouse's self-esteem, mental state and emotions. Understand that any time you turn away from your spouse to fill your needs instead of toward him, it's a betrayal. It's not just what you do it's what you don't do. You can violate someone by withholding affection.What is the payoff for hanging onto the guilt? Listen to the messages you tell yourself. Are they keeping you on the right path or are they keeping you from actively participating in your life? If you feel better when you are punished, punishment has become a reward. Do you pull back from hope and optimism? Do you secretly believe, "If I get too happy, something bad is going to happen to me or my family"?

You aren't protecting anyone by withholding who you are. Get back in the game and contribute rather than hide.

Marriage Tips; Communication and Emotional Awareness

Communicating with Emotional Awareness~

If you respond to stress or conflict with a pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your partner.

Give or receive input.

Be open to receiving input from your partner. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your partner asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both partners know they are going to be told the truth.


Reflect content and feelings.


After receiving input from your partner, verify that what you are hearing is what your partner is actually saying. You've got to say, "So what I heard from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what he is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc." This is an area that I am horrible at, I am constantly thinking one thing when my husband is talking and really what he is saying is something completely different. Miss- Communication~

Accept feedback and respond.

If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your partner isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your partner is really saying, you can accept the feedback.

Stay in the moment

(Ladies, this is a hard one for us! Yet it is very important!!) Stay with the issues at hand. Do not discuss past history at any time during this process.

Do not leave.

Do not leave the discussion until it is completed. To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit beforehand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.
Stop Excusing Inexcusable Behavior

You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception. If lies, infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors are threatening your marriage or partnership, Remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your partner is doing what he is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by making excuses for your partner and blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it.

You can't change what you don't acknowledge

First, acknowledge that there is something wrong. If what is happening isn't normal, admit it. You need to set some new standards of acceptable behavior and your partner needs to know what those standards are.
If you truly want the relationship to work, be real with yourself and your partner. Be completely honest and truthful with your partner about your wants and needs. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book to your mate.

If you are the person who has damaged the relationship, make sure that you hear your partner. He needs to know that you have listened and understand the full gravity of your actions and how they have affected him. Acknowledge the damage your behavior has caused to your partner's self-esteem, mental state and emotions.

Understand that any time you turn away from your partner to fill your needs instead of toward him, it's a betrayal. It's not just what you do — it's what you don't do. You can violate someone by withholding affection.
What is the payoff for hanging onto the guilt? Listen to the messages you tell yourself. Are they keeping you on the right path or are they keeping you from actively participating in your life? If you feel better when you are punished, punishment has become a reward. Do you pull back from hope and optimism? Do you secretly believe, "If I get too happy, something bad is going to happen to me or my family"? You aren't protecting anyone by withholding who you are. Get back in the game and contribute rather than hide.

Are you trustworthy? If you want a good partner, be a good partner.
Are you afraid the saying, "If they did it with you, they'll do it to you"
is true? You can't control your partner's behavior. If this relationship is going to work, you are going to have to own your own behavior.

Work out problems in your relationship within your relationship. You absolutely cannot fix a problem inside a relationship by turning outward.

Forgiveness is a choice. Don't wait for it to just wash over you all of a sudden. You have to choose it.

Don't give your power away.

The pain of what happened is inevitable, but continuing to suffer is optional. The only person you can control is you.
By constantly reliving the pain of what happened, you are giving your power away to the person who wronged you.

Don't cling to negative feelings.

Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you.
There is no right timeline for recovery. For some people, making peace happens suddenly and spontaneously. For others, it takes time and effort.

You may have to make a conscious effort every day to forgive. To say, "I'm letting this go. I'm not going to invest hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment in this person anymore."

You can find closure in forgiveness.

Understanding Co-Dependency

The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is understanding it.

It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and it's cycle and how it extends into their relationships.

A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and her family. The co-dependent must identify and embrace her feelings and needs.

Throughout this article I am going to use the term "her" many times. I use "her" because this is me... I am the co-dependent struggling to save my marriage. I hope my Marriage Tips; Marriage Advice will help you in some way~

Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand the better you can cope with it's effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help you live a healthier, more fulfilling life.

You will have a successful recovery by adapting good learning skills, taking a good look at yourself and your actions, and allowing the necessary TIME to make changes that work for YOU! While codependency can be tackled by yourself with motivation, discipline, and education, counseling along with a positive supportive spouse can make these tasks tremendously easier by pointing out problems and non-helpful behaviors. Plus, counseling gives you a chance to process your plans and progress on a weekly basis. When you've moved on, you will find it was more than worth it. Remember to keep weekly journals of your progress. (this was very helpful to me, to be able to look back and see how much I have changed and developed.)

Learning assertiveness, listening, and communication skills is important to help your spouse in being a supportive partner. In treatment your spouse can help you by becoming more aware of non-helpful actions/behaviors, and work with you on developing new, healthier coping skills.

In the case of codependency though, counseling only helps if the counselor is aware of their own tendency towards co dependence, or if the counselor has some understanding about the addictive push in our society. Counselors, in the case of codependency, need to educate you in good boundary setting and healthy living.

IDENTITY CRISIS

You are likely to go through an identity crisis. Be prepared to see and become who you really are. Maybe you won't be the cute, innocent, docile creature you think you are. So be it! Better to be genuine. Your real personality will not hurt anyone. Your truly wonderful and valuable personality characteristics will remain intact. The only aspect that will be lost will be the phony ones that you are clinging to, or that others have imprinted upon you but that are not the REAL YOU!

Marriage Tips; Power Struggles within your marriage~

Power struggles are antiques in the making. They are becoming dated, and eventually they will become obsolete.

The difference between power struggles and antiques is that antiques acquire nostalgic value, but power struggles will not. They will be seen clearly for what they are - artifacts of an earlier form of human evolution that is no longer constructive.

When a new structure is built, excavation of the building site unearths rusted pipe, bent nails, broken glass, and foundations of buildings built long ago. Ground is now being broken for a new human awareness. When this structure is complete, it will replace all that stood in the same place. A new humankind is being born, and with it a new consciousness that is changing every aspect of the human experience.

Power struggles are the most prominent characteristic of the human experience, the dominant elements in the landscape. Human history is the chronicle of power struggles between individuals, spouses and relationships.

Striving to manipulate and control what appears to be external, including other people, is the pursuit of external power. Creating external power has kept us alive, and allowed us to prosper. It has produced shelter, agriculture, science, and more. Everything that does not occur naturally is a product of external power.

The pursuit of external power without reverence is the cause of every conflict, cruelty, and painful emotion. There are no constructive consequences that can come from a power struggle, because the perception of power has the ability to manipulate and control no longer serves purpose. That perception underlies every power struggle.

Marriage Tips; Women are the foundation~

Out of men and women, who can save the marriage better? Who can be the foundation that is so strong that the building does not shake despite an earthquake? Who do you think is fit for this role- women or men?

Common sense tells us that a woman can become a better foundation compared to the man. But common sense deceives us very often. Every marriage has its own problems and characteristics.

If the man is more concerned and more intelligent, he will save the marriage and if the woman is more concerned, she will save the marriage. It will depend upon the ability and desire of both the partners. No one can say that women are better suited to save the marriage. Sometimes they wreck it.

As said, the partner who is more intelligent and values the marriage more will save it through all the obstacles.

Communication is the core to a healthy marriage

Good "Communication" involves listening, assertiveness, and responsibility.

Communication is about getting our needs met through and with others. A primary problem in our society is people don't understand each other, here are a few prime examples:

• We do not communicate our personal needs and dislikes in an assertive way.
• We do not understand what someone else is trying to convey to us.

When you sit down and actually think about communication in your marriage, it takes more work to NOT communicate than it does TO communicate. Communication is just expressing our needs, our dislikes being empathetic and a good listener.

As women we need to get our feelings out, we tell our friends, our sisters, our mothers, whomever we have a relationship with that has been built with communication. The first person we should be communicating with oddly enough is the last person every time?

Understanding others is easy:

• Good listening. The importance of "just" listening
• Empathize your responses. restating what was said without solutions, embellishment, or talk about ourselves. The focus stays on the "other" person.

Communication becomes an unconscious, automatic pattern that is difficult to change and involves practice and not just learning but un-learning the old familiar ways.

Communication is the healthy way of getting our needs met and stating our dislikes. When effective communication is not used or learned, people learn unhealthy tactics to cope and meet their needs.

I am guilty and I am sure many of you can relate:

• non-verbal
• passive-aggression
• isolation
• acting out
• verbal aggression
• passive anger
• numbing - "I don't care"
• depression

When you are aware of everything that you are feeling, all the time, you are in continual communication with yourself. Learning how to listen to that communication, and act on it, is your purpose. Becoming aware of what you are feeling

The choice that confronts you is whether to ease the pain you feel by escaping from it into thoughts or activities, or to keep your attention inward in order to learn where your discomfort is coming from, and heal the source of it. A way to avoid painful emotions is to escape into an activity. It is easier to focus your thoughts elsewhere than to experience the intense physical pain of a hurtful emotion.

The first step in uncovering the origin of a compulsion is the hardest. To uncover the origin of a compulsion, you must stop doing what is compulsive, therefore you must "acknowledge" and experience what you feel when you do. If you flee back into an activity or your thoughts, be gentle with yourself. If the intensity of a painful emotion is more than you can endure without striking out at another person to to experience it for one minute without distracting yourself.

The time the pain of rage, superior, jealousy, or vengefulness comes, try experience it without distraction for two minutes. Do that consciously. Being aware of your emotions is the first step. If you are not aware of what you are feeling in your body and what you are thinking, you are not aware of the present moment. When you are not aware of your emotions, your attention is focused on the circumstances around you.

Emotional awareness is the healing remedy for a fixation on external circumstances. When you are fixated on events of your life, your attention is absorbed. When you are aware of your emotions and what is occurring around you, you step into the present "real" moment.

Marriage Tips: Help and Hope

* Go for help. A reputable therapist and supportive spouse is a very important tool here, because others can help you see your own co-dependent behavior and attitudes in ways you may not see yourself.
* Make recovery a first priority. Like all addictions, co-dependency is insidious, you may recognize yourself in the symptoms, but then deny their importance or deny that they apply to you after all. You may decide to change, and then time after time find yourself doing the same old things. Making recovery a first priority means outlining your destructive behaviors, finding alternative behaviors, and then implementing them! It means, challenging yourself, talking with others about changing, and then changing!
* Begin to know yourself. The more you learn about this disease, the more you will see how it creeps into every aspect of your life, and how destructive it can be. Listening to others, and identifying with them can help you recognize yourself and understand yourself, and setting higher standards, more appropriate goals.
* Develop a spiritual side through daily practice. An inner life is important to those recovering from co-dependency, because it will allow you to see that you are love able, and that your whole world does NOT have to revolve around your spouse. Find serenity outside of your daily life and family... any activity which is serene and focuses you on a source of nurturing outside of your brain. (Mine is the gym!)
* This is a tough one for me, still to this day: STOP managing and controlling others. This is a big challenge, but an important one. Here you stop telling the other what to do, how to live, what is wrong - or right with him. You stop intervening, helping, advising, you simply stop. You allow this other person to make his or her own decisions, for right or for wrong, you let them live their own life. Marriage is NOT ownership!!! This includes taking responsibility for their own mistakes, their unhappiness, their issues and their own growth. You cannot help them without helping yourself first.
* Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings. Now that you have liberated your energy from the other person's life, you have lots of time and energy to focus on your own life. All the things that occupied you with your husband might actually need attention in your OWN life! Often co-dependents say that they never realized how chaotic their own lives were, or how empty, how lonely, etc. Now is your time to face yourself, instead of dissipating your energy on trying to fix someone else.
* Cultivate whatever you need to develop as an individual. In facing yourself, you may see that you need to get in touch with your anger, or grieve what you have lost or what you never had, or contact your inner life. You need to sit still with yourself, that is important...WITH YOURSELF... and find out what you need to do, what you need to be, what you need to address to continue with your development in life.
* Become "selfish." At this point, you need to practice putting yourself first. Do you know how they tell parents on airplanes to always put on your oxygen mask first before trying to help your child with their mask? The adult has to be able to breathe and the have his or her needs adequately addressed before being able to help anybody. This is true for all aspects of life, not just for oxygen masks! Make sure your basic needs are met before you start giving away your time, energy, money, and other resources. Make sure you get your sleep, your meals, your serenity, and whatever else is important to you. When you are adequately supplied, then and only then will you have "stuff" to give to someone else. I never cared what decisions were being made, and let my husband run the show. I had to START CARING.... to show up and have an opinion. It is important here to learn how to advocate for ourselves.
* I love this one~ But I still struggling daily with it. Begin to feel that you are worthy of all life has to offer. This is tricky. Most people, if asked, will say "of course I think I am worthy!" But if you look at their lives, you may see a pattern which belies that belief. They are unhappy in their work, underemployed, bored or otherwise unhappy. No real future goals put into play. Perhaps they don't take care of their bodies, and they are frequently ill. Or they become very obsessive ( this is what I did.) and compulsive. They do not complain, or realize what needs fixing in there life. They just take it as it comes at them never asking how do these areas reflect my self-esteem?

Recovery from c-dependency is based on increased self-esteem... a self-esteem which can be gained by increased self-knowledge, your strong points and your weak points, and a full acceptance of yourself. There is a basic self-love, which you carefully nurture and expand. You get in touch with your feelings and attitudes about every aspect of your personality, including your sexuality. You begin to not only accept, but to actually cherish every aspect of yourself: your personality, your appearance, your beliefs and values, your body, your interests and accomplishments. You begin to validate yourself.

As you do this, you can enjoy being with others, especially your husband, who believes you are fine just as you are. You will not need to be needed in order to feel worthy.

You also work on accepting others as they are, without trying to change them to meet your needs. You know that you are safe because your standards are higher; you become open and trusting, but only with APPROPRIATE people.

You no longer expose yourself to the exploitation of those who are not interested in your well-being. Usually this means many friendships will be lost. (I struggled here, loosing some friends was tough, but I soon realized what the real definition of friends) Your higher criteria and standards are reflected in your approach to relationships. You will find a circle of supportive friends, your husband and healthy interests to see you through crises.

Your values change; now rather than your husband, you value your peace of mind and serenity above all else. You lose interest in the struggles, drama and chaos of the past. You become protective of yourself, your health and your well-being. You come to realize that for a relationship to work, it must be between partners who are equal and on not empowering the other. You want loved more than you need loved and you will find that your spouse will start respecting you with the love that you were trying to force the first time.

You come to know that you are worthy of the best that life has to offer, and you know that with help, perhaps, you can find a way to achieve that!

ASKING FOR HELP IS OK! You need to learn to ask for help instead of helping others first.

Marriage Tips

Martial bliss? What exactly is that?? Marriage is the hardest job a woman has in her life. Women have taken on the role as the caretaker, the pleaser, the foundation. I am guilty! I make my husband happy! Even if I am not happy, I make sure my husband is happy and then in some weird way I become happy. At some point we must really disect ourselves and figure out what makes us happy and seek it. Life is too short to be miserable. I want to be in love and feel loved every minute of the day. I do believe marriage is work, but when has our labor become too hard?

I would like to hear some suggestions on how you make your marriage work? What sacrifices you make, or just to vent your frustrations. We can help each other.

Please check out some of the links I have attached, the offer great support with amazing information. Check out my favorite, it was a blessing to me when I was going through a very tough spell.







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Marriage Tips: Crossing over the 7 year hump in your marriage

Women and marriage, why is that we sacrifice everything and our husbands rarely sacrifice anything? Or at least we "feel" this way. After being married for a wonderful 10 years now I realize that we are the glue! But how much glue do we really need to go through for our husbands to start giving back? This past year I went through a very rough spell in my life and marriage. I felt very taken advantage of in my marriage, I felt I was always giving and never receiving. I made the worst mistake, of never conveying these feelings to my husband. Instead I wanted him to think our life was just peaches and cream.

I just sucked it up! I never complained, I worked my 10+ hours a day came home did his dishes from breakfast, started a load of laundry cleaning up here and there, and before you knew it I was making dinner taking a bath and off to bed to just wake up and do it all over again the next day.

I found myself letting the things that I loved to do and having my own life slipping away. I was living my life through my husband. I started getting depressed, sleeping a lot, not eating, no desire of life.

It took my life being turned upside down to realize that I have a life, I am my life, I am an intelligent driven individual! I was living in the fantasy world that I need a night in shiny armor to come and take care of me. My expections of what my marriage should be were so high that how could he possible ever reach them? Something funny about expectations, if he doesn't know what they are, how could he possible ever fullfill them? I am in the process of repairing my life for me! It takes some time, and it takes patience. And so far the hardest part for me has been giving up the control aspect of my marriage, and realizing "he can take care of himself!"



GO HERE for some great information that I believe will be useful to you

I have attached a few other links with useful information/ guidance.

Go Here

Go Here

For My personal Favorite Go Here