Marriage Tips; My Story - Do you want love?

Have you ever heard of a paradigm shift?
A paradigm shift is when you force your mind to look at a situation in a different way.
Instead of looking at a potential problem, you could be looking at a potential solution, or window of opportunity.

We all react to situations in different ways. In our mind we choose to react to situations.
You can choose to react in a positive way or a negative way. It is all up to you.

How do you decide which way to look at a situation? That is up to you to decide.
You can only get out of life, that what you put in it. Love is an action verb. That means that if you want to be loved, you have to show love.

You are where are in life because it is where your thoughts have lead you to. You can only go in life where you thoughts lead you.

Where do you want to be in life? Okay, start going that way. It is just as easy, but it might take some hard work.

Let your mind take you where you want to go. Do you want to be in love? Do you want to love? When your heart is set for love and really desire love, then be in love. It's that easy! Act and feel everyday how much love is a part of you, then let it show and happen. Soak it in, to be in love is a very amazing feeling. You can tell by looking at a women just walking down the street whether she is in love.

Love makes your life different everyday, you look at life with such open eyes and heart.

Try it. Wake up tomorrow morning and say to yourself! I am in love, I desire love, love desires me. And let yourself act and feel freely all day and see how much better your day is, see how much better your husband responds to you. If you act as you are in a high school puppy love romance daily then the response you will get from your husband will be quite a surprise.

I love being in love, I love the look of love on my husband and the way it feels.

Marriage Tips; Infedility

When infediltiy happens in your marriage you have hope that your marriage can survive your spouse cheating on you. But you still fill sick inside when you think about the event.
Here's what I suggest you can do to get beyond the hurt, forgive your unfaithful husband, and save your marriage.

Difficulty: HardTime Required: Long Time
Here's How:
Don't make any major decisions about ending your marriage now just because your husband has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues other than this infidelity need to be recognized and dealt with.
Feelings are neither right or wrong. Accept that your feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful husband are normal.
Take care of yourself. You may have some physical reactions to the infidelity such as nausea, diarrhea, sleep problems (too little or too much), shakiness, difficulting concentrating and not wanting to eat or binge eating.
Balance is the key to getting through this experience of coping with infidelity. Force yourself to eat healthy foods, to stay on a schedule, to sleep regular hours, to get some exercise each day, todrink plenty of water and to have some fun.
It's okay and healthy to laugh. Watch some funny movies or TV shows. Spend some time with people who make you smile. Life goes on in spite of heartache and your unfaithful husband.
Tears are healthy too. If they aren't coming naturally, put on some blues type music or watch a sad movie.
Begin another journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings about your husbands unfaithfulness.
Ask all the questions you want.Talk with your husband about the infidelity. Even if he is distant and not wanting to talk, you need to talk. However, you may have to accept that your husband may not know why the infidelity took place.
Work together Don't try to get through coping with unfaithfulness alone.
Take it one day at a time. Both you and your husband should be tested for AIDS/HIVS and STD's before you resume sexual intimacy without protection.
Your children need to know that you are going to be okay. You can't hide the fact that you are going through a trauma. Be honest with your children, but don't weigh them down with details about how your husband cheated on you. Don't make promises that you can't keep.
Try not to get into the blaming game over who or what caused the infidelity. It's just wasted energy. It won't change anything.
You may have post-traumatic stress. If you are jumpy, yell at trivial actions, feel like you are walking on egg shells, and continue to have physical reactions when you are reminded of the infidelity, see a physician as soon as you can.
It takes time to get beyond the pain of having an unfaithful husband. Don't expect the mixture of feelings, the sense of confusion and limbo, and the mistrust to go away just because you've tried to forgiveyour husband and made a commitment to save your marriage.
Get practical. Look at your finances, housing situation, transportation, etc. If you do decide to end your marriage, make sure you have thought out where you will live, if you have enough money to pay for your essentials, etc.
Tips:There is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. It could be a symptom of other problems in the marriage, itcould relate to something in your husbands past. You may never truly know why it happened.
Knowing the type of infidelity sometimes makes understanding it easier. Was it a one-night stand or an affair? Due to a mid-life or life crisis? A sexual addiction or an act of retaliation? Did the cheating occur to end the marriage?
Remember that your marriage has changed. You will need to grieve that loss.
The stages of death and dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are part of the grieving process. It doesn't mean your marriage can't be renewed and strengthened, because it can. But it will be different.
Think twice before you tell your family or your husbands family about the infidelity. Family members can often hold grudges a long time.

It is you and only you that can make the decision to stay in your marriage. If you do stay in your marriage you must work through it and move on. Do not allow it to damage your future.

Understanding Co-Dependency

The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is understanding it.

It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and it's cycle and how it extends into their relationships.

A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and her family. The co-dependent must identify and embrace her feelings and needs.

Throughout this article I am going to use the term "her" many times. I use "her" because this is me... I am the co-dependent struggling to save my marriage. I hope my Marriage Tips; Marriage Advice will help you in some way~

Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand the better you can cope with it's effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help you live a healthier, more fulfilling life.

You will have a successful recovery by adapting good learning skills, taking a good look at yourself and your actions, and allowing the necessary TIME to make changes that work for YOU! While codependency can be tackled by yourself with motivation, discipline, and education, counseling along with a positive supportive spouse can make these tasks tremendously easier by pointing out problems and non-helpful behaviors. Plus, counseling gives you a chance to process your plans and progress on a weekly basis. When you've moved on, you will find it was more than worth it. Remember to keep weekly journals of your progress. (this was very helpful to me, to be able to look back and see how much I have changed and developed.)

Learning assertiveness, listening, and communication skills is important to help your spouse in being a supportive partner. In treatment your spouse can help you by becoming more aware of non-helpful actions/behaviors, and work with you on developing new, healthier coping skills.

In the case of codependency though, counseling only helps if the counselor is aware of their own tendency towards co dependence, or if the counselor has some understanding about the addictive push in our society. Counselors, in the case of codependency, need to educate you in good boundary setting and healthy living.

IDENTITY CRISIS

You are likely to go through an identity crisis. Be prepared to see and become who you really are. Maybe you won't be the cute, innocent, docile creature you think you are. So be it! Better to be genuine. Your real personality will not hurt anyone. Your truly wonderful and valuable personality characteristics will remain intact. The only aspect that will be lost will be the phony ones that you are clinging to, or that others have imprinted upon you but that are not the REAL YOU!

Building Trust~

10 Fundamentals of Trust

1. The glue or cement of relationships that allows you to need others to fulfill yourself.
2. The ability to let others into your life so that you and they can create a relationship built on an understanding of mutual respect, caring, and concern to assist on another in growing and maturing independently.
3. The sense that things are fine; that nothing can disrupt the bond between you and the other.
4. The inner sense of acceptance you have of others with whom you are able to share secrets, knowing they are safe.
5. Assuming that others will not intentionally hurt or abuse you if you should make an error or a mistake.
6. Placing confidence in others so that they will be supportive and reinforcing of you, even if you let down your "strong" mask and show your weaknesses.
7. Sharing your inner feelings and thoughts with others with the belief that they will not spread them indiscriminately.
8. Letting others know your feelings, emotions and reactions, and having the confidence in them to respect you and to not take advantage of you.
9. Opening yourself up to let others in on your background, problems, concerns, and mistakes with the assurance that they will not criticize or judge you because of these things.
10. The act of placing yourself in the vulnerable position of relying on others to treat you in a fair, open, and honest way.

Why is that people have trouble trusting? I read the 10 fundamentals of trust and see that in my marriage I actually have very few of these. I know and feel that my husband has conditional love, he does not have the ability or desire to love unconditionally. He is not accepting of bad choices or mistakes. For reasons I cannot understand he believes that I am not allowed to make mistakes, and if I do.... he is not understanding.

There are many reasons why people have trouble developing trust:

People have trouble developing trust if they have:

• Experienced a great deal of emotional and/or physical abuse and/or neglect.
• Been chronically put down for the way they feel or for what they believe.
• Been emotionally hurt in the past and are not willing to risk getting hurt in the future.
• Had problem relationships in the past where they were belittled, misunderstood, or ignored.
• Experienced the loss of a loved one through death. They can get so caught up in unresolved grief that they are unable to open themselves up to others, fearing they will be left alone again due to death, or, abandonment.
• Experienced a hostile or bitter divorce, separation, or end of a relationship. They may be unable to believe anyone who opens up to them in a new, committed relationship.
• Been raised in or have lived in an environment emotionally and/or physically unpredictable and volatile.
• Experienced a great deal of pain at the hands of another. Even if the other finally recognizes and accepts the responsibility to change such behavior, the person fears that if they let their guard down, the pain and hurt will begin again.
• Low self-esteem and cannot believe that they are deserving of the attention, care, and concern for anyone. They have problems even trusting the positive, healthy, and reinforcing behavior of another who is sincere.
• Experienced a great deal of non-provoked victimization in their lives. They are unwilling to trust people, situations, or intuitions for fear of being victimized again.

We need to develop the behavior traits, attitudes, and beliefs in order to develop trust:

• Taking a risk to be open to others: This enables you to become a "real" person to others. It is an essential behavior in trust-building between two people because it is the establishing of the parameters of strengths and weaknesses on which you have to draw as the relationship develops.
• Becoming vulnerable: This allows you to be hurt by others who know your weaknesses and strengths. This is an essential step in trust-building between people. It lays the cards on the table in a gamble that in such total self-revelation the others will accept you for who you really are rather than for whom they want you to be. In order to get to full self-disclosure you must take the risk to be vulnerable to others. This is an important building block in trust development.
• Letting go of fear: Fear restricts your actions with others. Letting go frees you of behavioral constraints that can immobilize your emotional development. Fear or rejection, fear of failure, fear of caring, fear of success, fear of being hurt, fear of the unknown, and fear of intimacy are blocks to the development of trust relationships and can impede relationship growth if not given appropriate attention and remedial action.
• Self-acceptance: Accepting who you are and what your potential is, is an important step in letting down your guard enough to develop trusting relationship with others. If you are so insecure in your identity that you are unable to accept yourself first, how can you achieve the self-revelation necessary to develop trust? Self-acceptance through an active program of self-affirmation and self-love is a key to the development of trust.
• Self-disclosure of negative self-scripts:Your disclosing of your inability to feel good about yourself and your perceived lack of healthy self-esteem are essential in reducing miscommunication or misunderstanding between you and t he significant others in your life. This self-disclosure reveals to the others your perspective on obstacles you believe you bring to relationships. This sheds the mask of self-defensiveness and allows the other to know you as you know yourself. It is easier to trust that which is real than that which is unreal or hidden.

Communication is the core to a healthy marriage

Good "Communication" involves listening, assertiveness, and responsibility.

Communication is about getting our needs met through and with others. A primary problem in our society is people don't understand each other, here are a few prime examples:

• We do not communicate our personal needs and dislikes in an assertive way.
• We do not understand what someone else is trying to convey to us.

When you sit down and actually think about communication in your marriage, it takes more work to NOT communicate than it does TO communicate. Communication is just expressing our needs, our dislikes being empathetic and a good listener.

As women we need to get our feelings out, we tell our friends, our sisters, our mothers, whomever we have a relationship with that has been built with communication. The first person we should be communicating with oddly enough is the last person every time?

Understanding others is easy:

• Good listening. The importance of "just" listening
• Empathize your responses. restating what was said without solutions, embellishment, or talk about ourselves. The focus stays on the "other" person.

Communication becomes an unconscious, automatic pattern that is difficult to change and involves practice and not just learning but un-learning the old familiar ways.

Communication is the healthy way of getting our needs met and stating our dislikes. When effective communication is not used or learned, people learn unhealthy tactics to cope and meet their needs.

I am guilty and I am sure many of you can relate:

• non-verbal
• passive-aggression
• isolation
• acting out
• verbal aggression
• passive anger
• numbing - "I don't care"
• depression

When you are aware of everything that you are feeling, all the time, you are in continual communication with yourself. Learning how to listen to that communication, and act on it, is your purpose. Becoming aware of what you are feeling

The choice that confronts you is whether to ease the pain you feel by escaping from it into thoughts or activities, or to keep your attention inward in order to learn where your discomfort is coming from, and heal the source of it. A way to avoid painful emotions is to escape into an activity. It is easier to focus your thoughts elsewhere than to experience the intense physical pain of a hurtful emotion.

The first step in uncovering the origin of a compulsion is the hardest. To uncover the origin of a compulsion, you must stop doing what is compulsive, therefore you must "acknowledge" and experience what you feel when you do. If you flee back into an activity or your thoughts, be gentle with yourself. If the intensity of a painful emotion is more than you can endure without striking out at another person to to experience it for one minute without distracting yourself.

The time the pain of rage, superior, jealousy, or vengefulness comes, try experience it without distraction for two minutes. Do that consciously. Being aware of your emotions is the first step. If you are not aware of what you are feeling in your body and what you are thinking, you are not aware of the present moment. When you are not aware of your emotions, your attention is focused on the circumstances around you.

Emotional awareness is the healing remedy for a fixation on external circumstances. When you are fixated on events of your life, your attention is absorbed. When you are aware of your emotions and what is occurring around you, you step into the present "real" moment.

Marriage Tips: My personal experiences

I am going to share with you my personal struggles. My life was literally turned upside down on June 8th 2006. My marriage was falling apart, my life was falling apart and after months of completely torching myself, I finally decided to stand up and do something! I had to make changes for myself, not just to save my marriage but for myself to be the best person that I could be. Here is the story of the start of my therapy~

Realizing my negative

This list I made and read outloud to myself everyday for 3 months.

* I overcompensate
* I protect at all costs
* I second guess my own actions and often override common sense
* I have difficulties making decisions
* I struggle for control
* I live in a constant state of denial
* I make unreasonable compromises that seriously impact on my my life, my happiness and even the happiness of my husband and kids
* I maintain an unrealistic view that if "I" do the right things, my husband will change his behavior and love me more
* I am vulnerable to manipulation, which interferes to my healing and change
* I place little value on my own needs and instead assume responsibility for those relationships in my life
* I tend to communicate on a superficial level finding it difficult to discuss my true feelings
* I am unwilling to accept responsibility for my own behavior and recovery leading to me making excuses
* I project my own inadequacies on others and blame others for my problems
* I am unable to keep promises or commitments
* I am afraid to express myself when I am hurt or angry
* I will not expres my opinions if it means making my husband upset
* I take my frustrations out on my kids for not having control of my life
* I put my personal life before my kids
* I deny and pretend that I have control over my emotions about my kids
* I cannot be honest when I am in a situation that I fell is detrimental to me
* I try to force my husband to have a relationship with my kids/ his stepkids
* I am afraid of failure and showing failure
* I am afraid to show my true feelings in fear of getting hurt
* I am not goal oriented
* I am a pesimist
As you can see it is extremely hard to admit ones OWN faults. Taking ownership is the best way to see reality and grow from there.





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Marriage Tips

Martial bliss? What exactly is that?? Marriage is the hardest job a woman has in her life. Women have taken on the role as the caretaker, the pleaser, the foundation. I am guilty! I make my husband happy! Even if I am not happy, I make sure my husband is happy and then in some weird way I become happy. At some point we must really disect ourselves and figure out what makes us happy and seek it. Life is too short to be miserable. I want to be in love and feel loved every minute of the day. I do believe marriage is work, but when has our labor become too hard?

I would like to hear some suggestions on how you make your marriage work? What sacrifices you make, or just to vent your frustrations. We can help each other.

Please check out some of the links I have attached, the offer great support with amazing information. Check out my favorite, it was a blessing to me when I was going through a very tough spell.







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