Marriage Tips; My Story - Do you want love?

Have you ever heard of a paradigm shift?
A paradigm shift is when you force your mind to look at a situation in a different way.
Instead of looking at a potential problem, you could be looking at a potential solution, or window of opportunity.

We all react to situations in different ways. In our mind we choose to react to situations.
You can choose to react in a positive way or a negative way. It is all up to you.

How do you decide which way to look at a situation? That is up to you to decide.
You can only get out of life, that what you put in it. Love is an action verb. That means that if you want to be loved, you have to show love.

You are where are in life because it is where your thoughts have lead you to. You can only go in life where you thoughts lead you.

Where do you want to be in life? Okay, start going that way. It is just as easy, but it might take some hard work.

Let your mind take you where you want to go. Do you want to be in love? Do you want to love? When your heart is set for love and really desire love, then be in love. It's that easy! Act and feel everyday how much love is a part of you, then let it show and happen. Soak it in, to be in love is a very amazing feeling. You can tell by looking at a women just walking down the street whether she is in love.

Love makes your life different everyday, you look at life with such open eyes and heart.

Try it. Wake up tomorrow morning and say to yourself! I am in love, I desire love, love desires me. And let yourself act and feel freely all day and see how much better your day is, see how much better your husband responds to you. If you act as you are in a high school puppy love romance daily then the response you will get from your husband will be quite a surprise.

I love being in love, I love the look of love on my husband and the way it feels.

Life after Infidelity~

Moving Forward After Infidelity? Can you? Will you?

Whether you're the one who has strayed from your relationship or you're the partner who feels betrayed, you have to ask yourself the question that you only know..... CAN you move forward.
Were you cheated on? It is absolutely vital for YOU to decide alone if you can and when you will move forward with life and love. Being willing to trust again is key. Take things one step at a time. Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with him is pointless. It is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's NOT your fault.

One thing I do know is that time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters. Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else. If your partner wants back in, he will have to earn his way back into the relationship. Renegotiate the relationship in a way that works for both of you. There comes a point in time where you may have to draw a line and say, "That's it, I'm done. I'm not mad at you. I withdraw my feelings, I withdraw my emotions. You just go do whatever you're going to do because I'm not going to live like this anymore." Don't stay together for the children. Remember, kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. They're much better off with one well-adjusted, happy, thriving parent, than they are with two who are cheating, lying, fighting, and living with stress and pressure. You have to make the decision about whether you can resolve to be part of your marriage or not.

Own the problems that you created throughout your marriage. You cannot change what you don't acknowledge. It is unfair to put all the blame on your spouse in any situation. That is a ridiculous comparison.

In order to resolve your relationship, contact with "the other person" must be cut off 100 percent. You can't work on dealing with the consequences of the affair while he is still having it. Don't rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do. Make the hard decisions. Either leave the marriage to free yourself, or commit to stay. Remember, checking out of one relationship before you finish it appropriately doesn't work. Ask yourself: What are you doing to help yourself get past the affair?
He will need to show enough maturity to recognize that life is not always all about him and what feels good for him in the moment. If you are married and have children, he has have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good.
He should help you find emotional closure. He must do whatever it takes until you find it. If it requires him to check in with you multiple times a day, then he should do it. It'll require him being where he is supposed to be, when he said he will be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, so you can trust your spouse again.

And you he should do it!

Want to know if something is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing there, it's cheating. If your marriage is over and you have children, understand that your relationship with your ex will never end. You will always at least be co-parents of your children. Build a new relationship as their allies. Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Figure out what you want and behave your way to success~!

Marriage Tips; Women are the foundation~

Out of men and women, who can save the marriage better? Who can be the foundation that is so strong that the building does not shake despite an earthquake? Who do you think is fit for this role- women or men?

Common sense tells us that a woman can become a better foundation compared to the man. But common sense deceives us very often. Every marriage has its own problems and characteristics.

If the man is more concerned and more intelligent, he will save the marriage and if the woman is more concerned, she will save the marriage. It will depend upon the ability and desire of both the partners. No one can say that women are better suited to save the marriage. Sometimes they wreck it.

As said, the partner who is more intelligent and values the marriage more will save it through all the obstacles.

Building Trust~

10 Fundamentals of Trust

1. The glue or cement of relationships that allows you to need others to fulfill yourself.
2. The ability to let others into your life so that you and they can create a relationship built on an understanding of mutual respect, caring, and concern to assist on another in growing and maturing independently.
3. The sense that things are fine; that nothing can disrupt the bond between you and the other.
4. The inner sense of acceptance you have of others with whom you are able to share secrets, knowing they are safe.
5. Assuming that others will not intentionally hurt or abuse you if you should make an error or a mistake.
6. Placing confidence in others so that they will be supportive and reinforcing of you, even if you let down your "strong" mask and show your weaknesses.
7. Sharing your inner feelings and thoughts with others with the belief that they will not spread them indiscriminately.
8. Letting others know your feelings, emotions and reactions, and having the confidence in them to respect you and to not take advantage of you.
9. Opening yourself up to let others in on your background, problems, concerns, and mistakes with the assurance that they will not criticize or judge you because of these things.
10. The act of placing yourself in the vulnerable position of relying on others to treat you in a fair, open, and honest way.

Why is that people have trouble trusting? I read the 10 fundamentals of trust and see that in my marriage I actually have very few of these. I know and feel that my husband has conditional love, he does not have the ability or desire to love unconditionally. He is not accepting of bad choices or mistakes. For reasons I cannot understand he believes that I am not allowed to make mistakes, and if I do.... he is not understanding.

There are many reasons why people have trouble developing trust:

People have trouble developing trust if they have:

• Experienced a great deal of emotional and/or physical abuse and/or neglect.
• Been chronically put down for the way they feel or for what they believe.
• Been emotionally hurt in the past and are not willing to risk getting hurt in the future.
• Had problem relationships in the past where they were belittled, misunderstood, or ignored.
• Experienced the loss of a loved one through death. They can get so caught up in unresolved grief that they are unable to open themselves up to others, fearing they will be left alone again due to death, or, abandonment.
• Experienced a hostile or bitter divorce, separation, or end of a relationship. They may be unable to believe anyone who opens up to them in a new, committed relationship.
• Been raised in or have lived in an environment emotionally and/or physically unpredictable and volatile.
• Experienced a great deal of pain at the hands of another. Even if the other finally recognizes and accepts the responsibility to change such behavior, the person fears that if they let their guard down, the pain and hurt will begin again.
• Low self-esteem and cannot believe that they are deserving of the attention, care, and concern for anyone. They have problems even trusting the positive, healthy, and reinforcing behavior of another who is sincere.
• Experienced a great deal of non-provoked victimization in their lives. They are unwilling to trust people, situations, or intuitions for fear of being victimized again.

We need to develop the behavior traits, attitudes, and beliefs in order to develop trust:

• Taking a risk to be open to others: This enables you to become a "real" person to others. It is an essential behavior in trust-building between two people because it is the establishing of the parameters of strengths and weaknesses on which you have to draw as the relationship develops.
• Becoming vulnerable: This allows you to be hurt by others who know your weaknesses and strengths. This is an essential step in trust-building between people. It lays the cards on the table in a gamble that in such total self-revelation the others will accept you for who you really are rather than for whom they want you to be. In order to get to full self-disclosure you must take the risk to be vulnerable to others. This is an important building block in trust development.
• Letting go of fear: Fear restricts your actions with others. Letting go frees you of behavioral constraints that can immobilize your emotional development. Fear or rejection, fear of failure, fear of caring, fear of success, fear of being hurt, fear of the unknown, and fear of intimacy are blocks to the development of trust relationships and can impede relationship growth if not given appropriate attention and remedial action.
• Self-acceptance: Accepting who you are and what your potential is, is an important step in letting down your guard enough to develop trusting relationship with others. If you are so insecure in your identity that you are unable to accept yourself first, how can you achieve the self-revelation necessary to develop trust? Self-acceptance through an active program of self-affirmation and self-love is a key to the development of trust.
• Self-disclosure of negative self-scripts:Your disclosing of your inability to feel good about yourself and your perceived lack of healthy self-esteem are essential in reducing miscommunication or misunderstanding between you and t he significant others in your life. This self-disclosure reveals to the others your perspective on obstacles you believe you bring to relationships. This sheds the mask of self-defensiveness and allows the other to know you as you know yourself. It is easier to trust that which is real than that which is unreal or hidden.