Understanding Co-Dependency

The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is understanding it.

It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and it's cycle and how it extends into their relationships.

A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and her family. The co-dependent must identify and embrace her feelings and needs.

Throughout this article I am going to use the term "her" many times. I use "her" because this is me... I am the co-dependent struggling to save my marriage. I hope my Marriage Tips; Marriage Advice will help you in some way~

Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand the better you can cope with it's effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help you live a healthier, more fulfilling life.

You will have a successful recovery by adapting good learning skills, taking a good look at yourself and your actions, and allowing the necessary TIME to make changes that work for YOU! While codependency can be tackled by yourself with motivation, discipline, and education, counseling along with a positive supportive spouse can make these tasks tremendously easier by pointing out problems and non-helpful behaviors. Plus, counseling gives you a chance to process your plans and progress on a weekly basis. When you've moved on, you will find it was more than worth it. Remember to keep weekly journals of your progress. (this was very helpful to me, to be able to look back and see how much I have changed and developed.)

Learning assertiveness, listening, and communication skills is important to help your spouse in being a supportive partner. In treatment your spouse can help you by becoming more aware of non-helpful actions/behaviors, and work with you on developing new, healthier coping skills.

In the case of codependency though, counseling only helps if the counselor is aware of their own tendency towards co dependence, or if the counselor has some understanding about the addictive push in our society. Counselors, in the case of codependency, need to educate you in good boundary setting and healthy living.

IDENTITY CRISIS

You are likely to go through an identity crisis. Be prepared to see and become who you really are. Maybe you won't be the cute, innocent, docile creature you think you are. So be it! Better to be genuine. Your real personality will not hurt anyone. Your truly wonderful and valuable personality characteristics will remain intact. The only aspect that will be lost will be the phony ones that you are clinging to, or that others have imprinted upon you but that are not the REAL YOU!

Marriage Tips- My journey begins.

As I started therapy, I not only learned many knew and disturbing things about myself. I changed therapist about 1 month or so into my journey and found the most amazing spiritual, honest, empathetic yet not afraid to tell me when I was screwing up female therapist named Tammi. She broke the news to me early on that I was suffering from Co-Dependency! What the hell is that? I was stumped. I knew I had issues, but this was something that I had never even heard of: Please read the below carefully, and perhaps you will find yourself saying "this sounds just like me!" Those were my words exactly when I read and re-read the information my wonderful therapist sent me.

CO-DEPENDENCY~

By now, many people have heard the term "co-dependency." That is because the syndrome of co-dependency is so widespread, and it appears with ever increasing frequency. What is co-dependency, exactly? And why is it so harmful?

Co-dependency is actually an umbrella term; it represents an entire range of feelings, beliefs about ourselves, behaviors and symptoms. The main characteristic is a BIG focus on another person. This is usually our loved one- spouse, significant other. But a persona who is co-dependent often is focused on EVERYBODY else, rather than on herself. For example, when going out to a restaurant with a group, everyone might be trying to decide on where to go. The co-dependent person will demur, saying, " I don't care, anywhere is ok with me." While this can be a very useful strategy in a group and make getting places easier, for the co-dependent, this lack of decision making ability and knee-jerk compliance is a big problem. The co-dependent becomes so compliant and passive, eager to please the others that she really does forget to know what she wants, likes and prefers!

Typically, the co-dependent person came from a home in which their emotional needs were not met. Their parents were not able to provide the attention, warmth and responsiveness which kids need in order to feel that their needs count. So, they grew up feeling that their needs did NOT matter, that their desires were unimportant, that they themselves were 2nd class citizens. Over time, the co-dependent person actually FORGETS what there needs, desires, feelings about things even are.

Of course, as kids, we try to get the response we need from our parents... at least until we give up completely. But we remain always drawn to that same sort of familiar person... an emotionally unavailable person whom we can try to get love from, whom we can try to "change." The need to re-play the childhood drama and TRY, TRY ,TRY to achieve a different ending is so intense, that it determines even the type of person the co-dependent is drawn to! A person who is kind, stable, reliable and interested would not be attractive, typically to the co-dependent person... they would appear "boring." Having received very little nurturing, the co-dependent tries to fill this unmet need vicariously, by becoming a care-giver, especially to any person who appears in some way needy.

Many consequences flow from this sorry state of affairs. For one, co-dependents become addicted to emotional pain. They are drawn to people who are not available to them, or who reject them.

The co-dependent is often immobilized by romantic obsessions. They search for the "magical dream" in others to make them feel complete. They might idealize other people and endow them with powerful symbolism.

In the relationship, the co-dependent will do anything to keep it from dissolving. This is because she is terrified of abandonment, the same psychic abandonment she felt as a kid when the parents were not there. So nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time or is too expensive if it will "help" the person the co-dependent is involved with. Co-dependents are willing to take more than 50% of the responsibility, guilt and blame in any relationship.

Accustomed to lack of love support, and stability in a relationship, co-dependents are willing to wait, hope, and try harder to please. At the same time, they have a desperate need to control the relationship. this is because the need for the missing love and security is the foremost motivation in any relationship for a co-dependent. Co-dependent people mask these efforts to control people and situations as "being helpful." In fact, attempts to "help" other people, when these others are adults, almost always have elements of control in them.

The paradox here is that co-dependents really fear relationships, because of their bad track record at home! In the relationship, they fear abandonment and rejection. This is because deep inside, there is some sort of belief that they do not deserve the love they seek, they do not deserve to be happy. Rather, they must work to earn the right to be happy... and of course, they never win and commonly ending in abandonment. Since the co-dependent does not understand what is happening in there destructive life they usually cannot save there relationship and it is too late. The co-dependent needs to have the relationship partner understand the addiction in depth to help to co-dependent.

By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain and emotionally painful, they avoid focusing on their responsibility to themselves. In trying to conceal the demanding-ness from themselves and others, they grow more isolated and alienated from themselves and from the very people they long to be close to! They may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, and /or certain foods, especially sugary ones. They may have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which they try to hide or deny.

No doubt about it, co-dependency can be a serious addiction. Most of us have some of these characteristics, at least at times. And we have to ask what can be done about it? Fortunately, there is hope for the person caught in the trap of co-dependent relationships/personality traits. Recovery from co-dependency is much like recovery from any other addiction: it takes time, commitment, willingness to do the work and an incredibly supportive reliable partner.

To read about how to put the magic back in your marriage GO HERE

Secrets to a happy Marriage, Click HERE